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The CICADAverse

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From the editors of CICADA Magazine...

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Hello and welcome to the shiny new Slam!


We’re so glad you’re here. It’s been a long process getting here, and we’re over the moon that it’s finally happening.


To start off, I’d like to encourage everyone to take a look at the rules. Let’s make sure the Slam continues to be a safe and friendly place for all. Be excellent to each other.


Now that that’s out of the way, I’d like to give you a quick tour of the new Slam forums. As always, there are sections for fiction, nonfiction, and poetry. In addition, we now have subforums for roleplaying and chatting, where you can get to know one another a bit better. There is also a gallery for Slammer art. You’ll also find polls, contests, and other fun extras on our front page.


I’m sure we’ll have to make some adjustments and troubleshoot some issues as we break in the new site—all new websites have bugs to work out. Thanks in advance for being patient with us!!


Cicada readers probably already know that in January 2018 we will be going digital-only. The new digital mag will be housed here as well—more info on that soon!


If you have any questions, mods will be hanging out in the Whatever forum all day, so please post them there!

We’re so excited to start the new year with a whole new Slam. But without our Slammers, it’s just a website. Your passion, courage, compassion, kindness, and creativity are what make this the remarkable community it is. We can’t wait to see what you all will create.


Autumn, Associate Editor


EDIT: Oh! One more thing I forgot to mention--the first 2 posts by all new users have to be approved by the mods. This will keep spam and bots out. If there's a slight delay on your first couple of posts, that's why. :)


*That is definitely not mind control


Oh hi there, CICADA reader. We had no idea you were coming! Sit right down in this comfortable chair. Why not place this lovely white helmet over your head while you’re at it? My, how big your eyes are. Now answer these questions in whatever way you like. Remember, there are no wrong answers, just ungrateful insubordinates. 





You are a…

Faithful and happy CICADA reader. Congratulations! After incredibly complicated calculations on our part that you needn’t bother trying to understand, we have determined that you take great pride in being a happy, industrious reader of CICADA. Yes, CICADA is central to your very identity, and you would be lost without it. Utterly lost. Read on—forever and ever and ever.



Pick Your Favorite Ice Cream Topping and We'll Accurately Guess Your Checkered Past



Hot fudge
 Look, we all want to be world-renowned Olympic bobsledders, but most of us get there through good old-fashioned hard work instead of by making dubious bargains with that man in the sunglasses who waits at the crossroads at midnight. That’s all we’re saying.

 The lobster tank thing? Sure, maybe it got a little out of hand and, okay, some might say you went too far. And yeah, you and any future descendants are banned from all Whole Foods Market stores for the next five generations. But for the record, it was justice long overdue and you’d do it again in 
a heartbeat. 

 Once during a particularly competitive game of Trivial Pursuit you excused yourself to the bathroom and looked up an answer on your phone. You felt kind of bad about it later.

 You’d heard it all your life—that call, that song without words or melody that buzzed in the roots of your teeth. On the night your damp little fishing village was besieged by storms, you knew it was time to answer. You waded out into the tormented sea, guided by writhing shadows with impossible shapes. You followed the song down, down into the wild depths, and you finally shed your mortal husk, and you made a new home among old things with many teeth and many eyes and names that have passed out of living memory. 

You really thought you were going that extra mile for your first backstage gig at the local community theater. You realized too late that “break a leg” is an idiom, not a suggestion.

Whipped cream 
“Just beam down and check it out,” your Beloved High Commander told you with curiously smug smiles on all five of their faces. They deposited you on the humid blue planet with a ration supply and a cheerful parting promise to “swing by and pick you up later.” That was five years ago, by this planet’s reckoning.

 You told your friends you couldn’t hang out on Saturday because you were so busy—honestly, just completely swamped—but really you just stayed in bed all day and watched seventeen episodes of Guiding Light.


We’ve all bought into the propaganda. Houseplants “purify the air.” They “improve your mood.” They “bring more oxygen into the home.” They’re an “easy” and “cheap” way to “decorate.” And above all: they would never harm you. Right??

WAKE UP, houseplant owners of all nations. Stop being such LEMMINGS. You really think these aesthetically pleasing green florae have your best interests at heart? Here’s an easy way to find out just how bad things have gotten in your home. Answer yes or no to each question, and may the gods of vegetation have mercy on your soul.

How many "Yeses" did you get?

0—5 “yes” answers: You are probably—almost definitely—but not assuredly—fine. Your houseplants are feeling a little restless, but that’s nothing out of the ordinary. Just be sure to keep watering them regularly so that they stay happy. Oh, and keep your fertilizer on a high shelf. Just to be safe.

5—10 “yes” answers: Your plants seem to have gotten their vines on some radicalized literature, like The Coreopsis Manifesto, Plantocracy in America, Vegetable Farm, or Rights of Plant. You may want to consider investing in a heavier lock on your bedroom door and moving that murderous string-of-bananas vine OUT of the bedroom. Now is the time to make alliances, so try striking up a conversation with the succulents. Isn’t it a lovely day outside? What’s new with them? Do they have any, um, demands that have yet to be met? 

10—16 “yes” answers: Flee, pitiful human, flee! It is not safe to live here anymore. Your plants have already taken over the living room, and their razor-sharp vines are encroaching on the kitchen as we speak. Grab your keys and the Miracle-Gro and run before the string-of-bananas vine snags you around one ankle and the majesty palm leaps on your back, shrieking revolutionary slogans and demanding instant surrender. Run!