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Weekly CICADA-scope

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Plan your week out with these 100% accurate horoscopes!

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Autumn

1_Aries.png.e7c8949208a07b2906a7b92f79742189.pngAries: Sure, all your friends and family have been replaced by poorly-concealed malevolent changelings, but all in all you’ve found the change refreshing.

 

2_Taurus.png.6e2caf477161e1668cd37a56a110b618.pngTaurus: You have nothing to fear in the woods surrounding grandmother’s house—like many poisonous animals, your bright red hood is a warning. 

 

3_Gemini.png.ea7a1641915052ddb3f5f2bd07e97b6b.pngGemini: At this point, the entity haunting your bathroom is the least of your problems.

 

4_Cancer.png.970874db3af326d613bdb22a9933ab46.pngCancer: Everyone agrees you have your mother’s eyes and your father’s nose, but nobody’s quite sure which side of the family the tentacles came from.

 

5_Leo.png.c611ee3756337ea895516d0c8778039f.pngLeo: Someday, your efforts to bring the Tudor ruff back into fashion will be rewarded.

 

6_Virgo.png.f7f8ab3268aec4054a8c824d929e5054.pngVirgo: When at odds with someone, be the bigger person. Be gigantic. Be monumental. Be a thing of planetary magnitude. Look down upon your cowering antagonist with divine indifference.

 

7_Libra.png.76e7f78f302ecac98755be4546ac7efc.pngLibra: Feeding the birds is an investment in your future. The birds tally every seed and every slight, and they never, ever forget the score.

 

8_Scorpio.png.16821b588133b7e2cc2562189b7c7c66.pngScorpio: Your power color is Void.

 

9_Sagittarius.png.510623df41b6c7f39964f6e77ebdd966.pngSagittarius: Nobody needs that many plastic lawn flamingos. Nobody. Honestly, what is wrong with you?

 

10_Capricorn.png.62e1a9972e18202bb7a5d4325ec9a61b.pngCapricorn: Good things come to those who wait. With that in mind, consider participating in a human cryopreservation trial.

 

11_Aquarius.png.b8e9645a338da488052480b55cae1c74.pngAquarius: You’ve spent so long dreaming about what you might find somewhere over the rainbow that you never stopped to consider that maybe there are some things human eyes were never meant to see.

 

12_Pisces.png.9250eaa6fa0a042073807380733d36f1.pngPisces: The stars advise you to learn how to build a fire using a couple sticks and a piece of string. Also, invest in a few dozen hand crank lanterns and a bullhorn. Just... trust them.

 

images © xenia_ok/Shutterstock.com; painterr//Shutterstock.com

Autumn

1_Aries.png.e7c8949208a07b2906a7b92f79742189.pngAries: Most people would be creeped out by a derelict battleship found mysteriously drifting with no crew, but you’re willing to put up with a lot for free rent.

 

2_Taurus.png.6e2caf477161e1668cd37a56a110b618.pngTaurus: When you’re backed into a corner, don’t be afraid to show your teeth. All of your teeth. Your hundreds and hundreds of teeth.

 

3_Gemini.png.ea7a1641915052ddb3f5f2bd07e97b6b.pngGemini: Your practice of channeling your stress and anger into gardening has resulted in incredibly anxious chives and passive aggressive rosemary.

 

4_Cancer.png.970874db3af326d613bdb22a9933ab46.pngCancer: Like the rest of your crustaceous kind, you will eventually outgrow your current protective shell and must find a new one.

 

5_Leo.png.c611ee3756337ea895516d0c8778039f.pngLeo: You’ve definitely got some skeletons in your closet—make the best of the situation by dressing them up in cute crocheted hats and bowties.

 

6_Virgo.png.f7f8ab3268aec4054a8c824d929e5054.pngVirgo: You’re not really sure why you stand in the same spot in town day after day shouting FINE ARMOR AND SWORDS! every time a certain person walks by, and you’re not really sure where you go when you aren’t doing that. You think about it sometimes, but every time you get close to understanding something about your situation that person walks by again and all your thoughts are chased away by FINE ARMOR AND SWORDS!

 

7_Libra.png.76e7f78f302ecac98755be4546ac7efc.pngLibra: The stars would like to remind you that you’ve got 206 bones in your body and you’ll surely be fine without one or two.

 

8_Scorpio.png.16821b588133b7e2cc2562189b7c7c66.pngScorpio: Prepare for a big surprise in biology class when you learn that most of your peers didn’t spend the first year of their life as an insectivorous aquatic larva.

 

9_Sagittarius.png.510623df41b6c7f39964f6e77ebdd966.pngSagittarius: You’ll soon find out why all of the possums for miles around gather outside your house at night and stare into the windows while you try to sleep.

 

10_Capricorn.png.62e1a9972e18202bb7a5d4325ec9a61b.pngCapricorn: Your compulsion to crowd-surf at every large gathering is going to get you into trouble one of these days.

 

11_Aquarius.png.b8e9645a338da488052480b55cae1c74.pngAquarius: They all mocked you for majoring in bagpiping, but you’ll have the last laugh when they find out how the invading aliens communicate.

 

12_Pisces.png.9250eaa6fa0a042073807380733d36f1.pngPisces: Alleviate your worries about the future by putting your seal skin back on and returning to your people in the ocean.

 

images © xenia_ok/Shutterstock.com; painterr//Shutterstock.com

Autumn

1_Aries.png.e7c8949208a07b2906a7b92f79742189.pngAries: ǝɯoɔ sɐɥ ǝɯᴉʇ ǝɥʇ

 

2_Taurus.png.6e2caf477161e1668cd37a56a110b618.pngTaurus: ǝɯoɔ sɐɥ ǝɯᴉʇ ǝɥʇ

 

3_Gemini.png.ea7a1641915052ddb3f5f2bd07e97b6b.pngGemini: ǝɯoɔ sɐɥ ǝɯᴉʇ ǝɥʇ

 

4_Cancer.png.970874db3af326d613bdb22a9933ab46.pngCancer: ǝɯoɔ sɐɥ ǝɯᴉʇ ǝɥʇ

 

5_Leo.png.c611ee3756337ea895516d0c8778039f.pngLeo: ǝɯoɔ sɐɥ ǝɯᴉʇ ǝɥʇ

 

6_Virgo.png.f7f8ab3268aec4054a8c824d929e5054.pngVirgo: ǝɯoɔ sɐɥ ǝɯᴉʇ ǝɥʇ

 

7_Libra.png.76e7f78f302ecac98755be4546ac7efc.pngLibra: ǝɯoɔ sɐɥ ǝɯᴉʇ ǝɥʇ

 

8_Scorpio.png.16821b588133b7e2cc2562189b7c7c66.pngScorpio: ǝɯoɔ sɐɥ ǝɯᴉʇ ǝɥʇ

 

9_Sagittarius.png.510623df41b6c7f39964f6e77ebdd966.pngSagittarius: ǝɯoɔ sɐɥ ǝɯᴉʇ ǝɥʇ

 

10_Capricorn.png.62e1a9972e18202bb7a5d4325ec9a61b.pngCapricorn: ǝɯoɔ sɐɥ ǝɯᴉʇ ǝɥʇ

 

11_Aquarius.png.b8e9645a338da488052480b55cae1c74.pngAquarius: ǝɯoɔ sɐɥ ǝɯᴉʇ ǝɥʇ

 

12_Pisces.png.9250eaa6fa0a042073807380733d36f1.pngPisces: ǝɯoɔ sɐɥ ǝɯᴉʇ ǝɥʇ

 

images © xenia_ok/Shutterstock.com; painterr//Shutterstock.com

Autumn

1_Aries.png.e7c8949208a07b2906a7b92f79742189.pngAries: Repent! Repent! Repent! Repent! Repent! Repent!

 

2_Taurus.png.6e2caf477161e1668cd37a56a110b618.pngTaurus: The stars advise you to become the kind of person who wears a floor-length leather trench coat to school every day, even in the summer.

 

3_Gemini.png.ea7a1641915052ddb3f5f2bd07e97b6b.pngGemini: Ask that special someone to prom by astral projecting into their room at night and whispering the words of the Beyond into their third ear.

 

4_Cancer.png.970874db3af326d613bdb22a9933ab46.pngCancer: You have always tended the lighthouse. You maintain the flame with oil from barrels that never run dry to warn away ships that you never see. Surely there must be ships—otherwise, why would there be a lighthouse? You are alone. It is always night but there are no stars. Sometimes you think you hear the sound of a thousand birds but you have never seen them. Still, there is the lighthouse to tend, and you have always tended the lighthouse.

 

5_Leo.png.c611ee3756337ea895516d0c8778039f.pngLeo: The bad news: the gods have cursed you to speak prophecies no one will believe. The good news: you’ll often have a reason to deliver a smug “I told you so.”

 

6_Virgo.png.f7f8ab3268aec4054a8c824d929e5054.pngVirgo: You’d call the predicament you’re in “rock bottom” if the hole you’ve been tumbling down weren’t bottomless.

 

7_Libra.png.76e7f78f302ecac98755be4546ac7efc.pngLibra: Acquire two (2) medium-sized snails, twelve (12) copies of Pride and Prejudice, and seven (7) gallons of canola oil. Await further instructions at the rendezvous point.

 

8_Scorpio.png.16821b588133b7e2cc2562189b7c7c66.pngScorpio: Your misguided efforts to find the next “best thing since sliced bread” mostly consist of slicing other things and seeing how the focus groups react.

 

9_Sagittarius.png.510623df41b6c7f39964f6e77ebdd966.pngSagittarius: Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because Daazhaombratl’xheth the Eternal Hunger has risen from the Silent Pit and They will remember the ones who served Them faithfully.

 

10_Capricorn.png.62e1a9972e18202bb7a5d4325ec9a61b.pngCapricorn: It’s true: you are objectively cooler than Aries because you are a mermaid-bovid.

 

11_Aquarius.png.b8e9645a338da488052480b55cae1c74.pngAquarius: Your clouds don’t have silver linings—they have tempered steel linings and you can wield them with deadly effect.

 

12_Pisces.png.9250eaa6fa0a042073807380733d36f1.pngPisces: In your experience, “this too shall pass” is applicable to everything but you. You were here before the beginning and at this point it seems likely you’ll be here after the end.

 

images © xenia_ok/Shutterstock.com; painterr//Shutterstock.com

Autumn

1_Aries.png.e7c8949208a07b2906a7b92f79742189.pngAries: Someday, your Wikipedia page will hold the record for most vandalized article.

 

2_Taurus.png.6e2caf477161e1668cd37a56a110b618.pngTaurus: You will experience an incident this week which will give news editors everywhere cause to coin a term for a large gathering of anteaters.

 

3_Gemini.png.ea7a1641915052ddb3f5f2bd07e97b6b.pngGemini: Mars and Pluto will collide in your eighth house this week, causing untold millions of dollars in property damage and heavy casualties.

 

4_Cancer.png.970874db3af326d613bdb22a9933ab46.pngCancer: Your disturbing misinterpretation of the saying “two heads are better than one” will go down in history.

 

5_Leo.png.c611ee3756337ea895516d0c8778039f.pngLeo: Your gift for flattery gets you out of a lot of sticky situations. The stingers concealed in your elbows are good backup.

 

6_Virgo.png.f7f8ab3268aec4054a8c824d929e5054.pngVirgo: The heavens advise you to invest in several hundred Hawaiian shirts and don’t ask so many questions.

 

7_Libra.png.76e7f78f302ecac98755be4546ac7efc.pngLibra: No.

 

8_Scorpio.png.16821b588133b7e2cc2562189b7c7c66.pngScorpio: The week will close out with a full moon in Scorpio, and you know what that means—time to stock up on crickets, cockroaches, and other crunchy snacks for your transformation.

 

9_Sagittarius.png.510623df41b6c7f39964f6e77ebdd966.pngSagittarius: Someday you will find a dentist specializing in pharyngeal jaws and serrated teeth.

 

10_Capricorn.png.62e1a9972e18202bb7a5d4325ec9a61b.pngCapricorn: Time for some spring cleaning! Sweep out all of the old bones and husks cluttering up your burrow for a fresh start.

 

11_Aquarius.png.b8e9645a338da488052480b55cae1c74.pngAquarius: The stars see a lot of cows in your future. They’re not sure yet if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

 

12_Pisces.png.9250eaa6fa0a042073807380733d36f1.pngPisces: You should probably be a little nervous about the full Greek chorus that’s been following you around and collectively commenting on your life lately.

 

images © xenia_ok/Shutterstock.com; painterr//Shutterstock.com

Autumn

1_Aries.png.e7c8949208a07b2906a7b92f79742189.pngAries: Everything happens for a reason. The reason is that cursed music box everyone warned you not to open.

 

2_Taurus.png.6e2caf477161e1668cd37a56a110b618.pngTaurus: Everyone told you that your dream to become a monstrous sphinx that demands passerby answer riddles or be eaten was unrealistic, but you’ll have the last laugh in the end.

 

3_Gemini.png.ea7a1641915052ddb3f5f2bd07e97b6b.pngGemini: Look on the bright side! There’s nothing to see on the dark side. Nothing at all. Nope. Keep focusing on the bright side and please don’t look at the dark side. Please.

 

4_Cancer.png.970874db3af326d613bdb22a9933ab46.pngCancer: People always claim to hear the ocean in seashells, so you don’t get why everybody looks so nervous when you tell them about the noises you hear in there.

 

5_Leo.png.c611ee3756337ea895516d0c8778039f.pngLeo: Get in touch with your family this week. Make sure to stock up on candles and goat blood.

 

6_Virgo.png.f7f8ab3268aec4054a8c824d929e5054.pngVirgo: As an earth sign, it’s very important that you consume a generous helping of topsoil every day.

 

7_Libra.png.76e7f78f302ecac98755be4546ac7efc.pngLibra: For reasons the stars cannot tell you right now, it is absolutely vital that you memorize the following sequence of characters: 325-1866-98723-183-273455-q-x-9387-p.

 

8_Scorpio.png.16821b588133b7e2cc2562189b7c7c66.pngScorpio: If you’re feeling overwhelmed, try going out and lying facedown in the Pit until everything starts to make sense again

 

9_Sagittarius.png.510623df41b6c7f39964f6e77ebdd966.pngSagittarius: You will be bitten by a radioactive octopus this week, resulting in a truly baffling array of new superpowers.

 

10_Capricorn.png.62e1a9972e18202bb7a5d4325ec9a61b.pngCapricorn: It would be best to avoid Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Aquarius, and Pisces for the foreseeable future.

 

11_Aquarius.png.b8e9645a338da488052480b55cae1c74.pngAquarius: Avert conflict this week by displaying your giant threatening eyespots and hissing loudly.

 

12_Pisces.png.9250eaa6fa0a042073807380733d36f1.pngPisces: No guts, no glory. Better start accumulating guts now while the glory exchange rate is still good.

 

images © xenia_ok/Shutterstock.com; painterr//Shutterstock.com

Autumn

1_Aries.png.e7c8949208a07b2906a7b92f79742189.pngAries: There will be a new moon in Aries later this week. Please make sure to recycle the old one properly.

 

2_Taurus.png.6e2caf477161e1668cd37a56a110b618.pngTaurus: Few sounds are more soothing than gentle piano music, but you wish you could figure out where it’s coming from and why it seems to follow you endlessly.

 

3_Gemini.png.ea7a1641915052ddb3f5f2bd07e97b6b.pngGemini: You’ll find out who your real friends are this week through the cunning use of a powerful electromagnet.

 

4_Cancer.png.970874db3af326d613bdb22a9933ab46.pngCancer: Your academic career will result in all the science classrooms being plastered with a slew of new, weirdly specific lab safety posters.

 

5_Leo.png.c611ee3756337ea895516d0c8778039f.pngLeo: The stars regret to inform you that Leo has been cancelled for the foreseeable future. All current Leos will be reassigned to Virgo. The stars deeply apologize for any inconvenience.

 

6_Virgo.png.f7f8ab3268aec4054a8c824d929e5054.pngVirgo: Due to the recent influx of former Leos, the stars are experiencing a higher call volume than normal. Please hold. Your call is very important to us. To leave a message in the general celestial mailbox, press 0.

 

7_Libra.png.76e7f78f302ecac98755be4546ac7efc.pngLibra: Everyone thinks you sound terse and unapproachable in all your emails. Better liven them up with some exclamation points and smiley faces!!!! :)

 

8_Scorpio.png.16821b588133b7e2cc2562189b7c7c66.pngScorpio: Sure, you can gain a lot of wisdom from classic literature, but maybe bricking people up in the catacombs isn’t the solution to every conflict.

 

9_Sagittarius.png.510623df41b6c7f39964f6e77ebdd966.pngSagittarius: The mail-in ancestry kit will be good fun until the DNA testing company informs you that the closest genetic match to your saliva sample is the medicinal leech.

 

10_Capricorn.png.62e1a9972e18202bb7a5d4325ec9a61b.pngCapricorn: Remember: character is who you are when no one except The Eternal-Watcher-Who-Was-the-First-and-Shall-Be-the-Last is looking.

 

11_Aquarius.png.b8e9645a338da488052480b55cae1c74.pngAquarius: Your lucky leathercraft tool this week is the stitching awl.

 

12_Pisces.png.9250eaa6fa0a042073807380733d36f1.pngPisces: You’ll finally get the job of your dreams. Unfortunately, this also means you’ll show up to your first day without pants and all your teeth will fall out.

 

images © xenia_ok/Shutterstock.com; painterr//Shutterstock.com

Autumn

1_Aries.png.e7c8949208a07b2906a7b92f79742189.pngAries: March winds and April showers bring forth unholy powers.

 

2_Taurus.png.6e2caf477161e1668cd37a56a110b618.pngTaurus: The floor isn’t actually lava. It’s the walls you need to worry about.

 

3_Gemini.png.ea7a1641915052ddb3f5f2bd07e97b6b.pngGemini: Your relationship will enter a new and exciting stage this week when your partner presents you with the traditional gift of a silk-wrapped, partially digested moth.

 

4_Cancer.png.970874db3af326d613bdb22a9933ab46.pngCancer: Follow your dreams, but do so stealthily and at a safe distance so they never know you’re coming until it’s too late.

 

5_Leo.png.c611ee3756337ea895516d0c8778039f.pngLeo: Your alchemic career will hit a weird note when you somehow manage to transmute gold into a tasteful lead bust of 14th-century monk Nicolas Flamel.

 

6_Virgo.png.f7f8ab3268aec4054a8c824d929e5054.pngVirgo: Aim for the moon. Hit the moon. Field dress the moon. De-bone the moon. Cook the moon. Devour the moon.

 

7_Libra.png.76e7f78f302ecac98755be4546ac7efc.pngLibra: A lot of people refer to their partner as their “rock,” but this is actually pretty literal in your case.

 

8_Scorpio.png.16821b588133b7e2cc2562189b7c7c66.pngScorpio: The hounds are on their way.

 

9_Sagittarius.png.510623df41b6c7f39964f6e77ebdd966.pngSagittarius: Work on your communication skills this week. Not everybody responds positively to sustained unearthly screeching in a range only audible to certain whales.

 

10_Capricorn.png.62e1a9972e18202bb7a5d4325ec9a61b.pngCapricorn: An opportunity to build a new friendship will arise when you complete cytokinesis and divide to create a genetically identical copy of yourself.

 

11_Aquarius.png.b8e9645a338da488052480b55cae1c74.pngAquarius: Yes, that person saw you reading fanfiction on your phone.

 

12_Pisces.png.9250eaa6fa0a042073807380733d36f1.pngPisces: If you can’t become an inspiration to future generations, the next best thing is to become a cautionary tale.

 

images © xenia_ok/Shutterstock.com; painterr//Shutterstock.com

Autumn

1_Aries.png.e7c8949208a07b2906a7b92f79742189.pngAries: Take some time to focus on the little things this week. Specifically, all the little things infesting your hair and clothing.

 

2_Taurus.png.6e2caf477161e1668cd37a56a110b618.pngTaurus: It will soon occur to you that the majority of your current problems could be easily solved with about 1.5 tons of fresh tuna.

 

3_Gemini.png.ea7a1641915052ddb3f5f2bd07e97b6b.pngGemini: Sure, having a pet can provide a lot of mental health benefits, but this probably doesn’t apply to that thing you keep in the attic.

 

4_Cancer.png.970874db3af326d613bdb22a9933ab46.pngCancer: It’s spring, and you know what that means, Cancer: molting season.

 

5_Leo.png.c611ee3756337ea895516d0c8778039f.pngLeo: Making new friends is simpler than you think—straw, burlap, and flannel shirts are affordable and easy to come by.  

 

6_Virgo.png.f7f8ab3268aec4054a8c824d929e5054.pngVirgo: There’s something in your teeth. No, not there. Nope, you didn’t get it.

 

7_Libra.png.76e7f78f302ecac98755be4546ac7efc.pngLibra: If you’re feeling a little burned out, try going for a soothing nature walk in the dense and unspeakably ancient woods that surrounded your home overnight and appear to be getting closer to your door with each passing hour.

 

8_Scorpio.png.16821b588133b7e2cc2562189b7c7c66.pngScorpio: Remember the old saying: early to bed and early to rise helps you grow hundreds and hundreds of eyes.

 

9_Sagittarius.png.510623df41b6c7f39964f6e77ebdd966.pngSagittarius: As it turns out, you can get away with a lot of things by calling yourself a performance artist.

 

10_Capricorn.png.62e1a9972e18202bb7a5d4325ec9a61b.pngCapricorn: The odds of getting attacked by a shark are approximately one in 11.5 million, and the odds of getting a royal flush in poker are one in 649,740, which will make what happens to you on Thursday that much more statistically remarkable.

 

11_Aquarius.png.b8e9645a338da488052480b55cae1c74.pngAquarius: Things might seem a little tough right now, what with the locust swarm and the pox upon your cattle and the plague upon your land, but seriously, you would feel a lot better if you took up yoga or started a gratitude journal.

 

12_Pisces.png.9250eaa6fa0a042073807380733d36f1.pngPisces: The stars are wondering how you’d like it if they gazed at you through a telescope all night. Creep.

 

images © xenia_ok/Shutterstock.com; painterr//Shutterstock.com

Autumn

1_Aries.png.e7c8949208a07b2906a7b92f79742189.pngAries: All your wildest dreams will come true, which would be great news for somebody whose subconscious isn’t as relentlessly weird as yours.

 

2_Taurus.png.6e2caf477161e1668cd37a56a110b618.pngTaurus: Mercury is in retrograde starting this Thursday, and while you’re not 100% clear on what that means, you’re prepared to use it as an excuse for absolutely everything for the next month.

 

3_Gemini.png.ea7a1641915052ddb3f5f2bd07e97b6b.pngGemini: Devour.

 

4_Cancer.png.970874db3af326d613bdb22a9933ab46.pngCancer: The stars don’t want to freak you out any sooner than necessary, so they’ll, uh, let you find this one out on your own.

 

5_Leo.png.c611ee3756337ea895516d0c8778039f.pngLeo: This might be the week that cute person you’ve had your eye on finally moves out of “friend” territory and into “corroborating witness” territory.

 

6_Virgo.png.f7f8ab3268aec4054a8c824d929e5054.pngVirgo: Your budding music career will stagnate this week when it occurs to you that all the good songs about being a little teapot have already been written.

 

7_Libra.png.76e7f78f302ecac98755be4546ac7efc.pngLibra: When it rains, look for rainbows. When it’s dark, look for eyes.  

 

8_Scorpio.png.16821b588133b7e2cc2562189b7c7c66.pngScorpio: It’s a good time to make a big change in your life. Start by anchoring yourself with silk to a strong tree branch and begin the process of shedding your skin to reveal the glistening articulated exoskeleton beneath.

 

9_Sagittarius.png.510623df41b6c7f39964f6e77ebdd966.pngSagittarius: Always be yourself, no matter how many billions of people beseech you with weeping and clasped hands not to.

 

10_Capricorn.png.62e1a9972e18202bb7a5d4325ec9a61b.pngCapricorn: You will someday have the dubious distinction of being the first human skeleton reconstructed with wild inaccuracy by alien paleontologists.  

 

11_Aquarius.png.b8e9645a338da488052480b55cae1c74.pngAquarius: Practice a little self-care this week! Burrow into the sweet dark earth, surround yourself in a mucous cocoon, and hibernate until everything looks a little friendlier.

 

12_Pisces.png.9250eaa6fa0a042073807380733d36f1.pngPisces: Learn to see the beauty in your differences—your leathery bill and venomous ankle spurs are what make you you.  

 

 

images © xenia_ok/Shutterstock.com; painterr//Shutterstock.com

Autumn

1_Aries.png.e7c8949208a07b2906a7b92f79742189.pngAries: Your tendency to dress up your problems so nobody worries about you will result in both a regional shortage of tweed and a particularly dapper local cockroach population.

 

2_Taurus.png.6e2caf477161e1668cd37a56a110b618.pngTaurus: An unexpected travel opportunity will arise when a low-flying pan-dimensional spacecraft misinterprets your entire yoga class’s Warrior 1 pose as an SOS signal and performs an emergency rescue operation.

 

3_Gemini.png.ea7a1641915052ddb3f5f2bd07e97b6b.pngGemini: Your lucky unicellular eukaryotic organism is Syringammina fragilissima.

 

4_Cancer.png.970874db3af326d613bdb22a9933ab46.pngCancer: It’s best to let sleeping dogs lie, especially when they have that many heads.

 

5_Leo.png.c611ee3756337ea895516d0c8778039f.pngLeo: You might be feeling a little run-down lately, but it’s nothing a few fresh brains can’t fix.

 

6_Virgo.png.f7f8ab3268aec4054a8c824d929e5054.pngVirgo: You’ll finally find true love this week, but all attempts to kiss your beloved will result in you getting a fat lip from hitting the mirror.

 

7_Libra.png.76e7f78f302ecac98755be4546ac7efc.pngLibra: You are what you eat, and what you are is a frankly astonishing quantity of spiders.  

 

8_Scorpio.png.16821b588133b7e2cc2562189b7c7c66.pngScorpio: You’ll get a little despondent this week when you realize that the parole-breaker you’ve been chasing around France for almost two decades is probably the longest and most consistent relationship you’ve ever had.

 

9_Sagittarius.png.510623df41b6c7f39964f6e77ebdd966.pngSagittarius: The good news is you’ve offended so many deities at this point that they’re all too busy squabbling over who gets to deal with you to actually do any proper cursing or smiting.

 

10_Capricorn.png.62e1a9972e18202bb7a5d4325ec9a61b.pngCapricorn: Any irate customer demanding to see your manager might regret it when they find out exactly who and what you work for.

 

11_Aquarius.png.b8e9645a338da488052480b55cae1c74.pngAquarius: Your efforts at using a Ouija board this week will result in the first documented case of phishing spam from the other side of the veil.

 

12_Pisces.png.9250eaa6fa0a042073807380733d36f1.pngPisces: You’ll be relieved to learn that what you thought was severe lifelong tinnitus is actually the echo of an eternal scream too high and terrible and distant for most mortals to hear.

 

 

images © xenia_ok/Shutterstock.com; painterr//Shutterstock.com

Autumn

1_Aries.png.e7c8949208a07b2906a7b92f79742189.pngAries: Prepare for a big surprise this week when a routine x-ray reveals what you have instead of a skeleton.

 

2_Taurus.png.6e2caf477161e1668cd37a56a110b618.pngTaurus: Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become incantations. Watch your incantations, for they become infernal summoning rituals.

 

3_Gemini.png.ea7a1641915052ddb3f5f2bd07e97b6b.pngGemini: It doesn't hurt to shop around! Don't just settle for the first cute person who inflates their throat sac and regurgitates a bit of squid for you.

 

4_Cancer.png.970874db3af326d613bdb22a9933ab46.pngCancer: It's time to tackle that big project you've been putting off forever. Get out the shovel and dig the well in the exact spot you dream of every night, to the exact specifications of the terrible whispers that plague your every waking moment.

 

5_Leo.png.c611ee3756337ea895516d0c8778039f.pngLeo: You chose your building materials well. Sure, it might not be as strong as bricks, but any big bad wolf would have to stop and wonder exactly what kind of pig lives in a house made of antique dental tools.

 

6_Virgo.png.f7f8ab3268aec4054a8c824d929e5054.pngVirgo: Usually it’s a bad idea to count your chickens before the eggs have hatched, but you appear to have somehow ended up with exponentially more chickens than eggs—all perfectly identical, perfectly silent, eyes gleaming with ancient hunger.

 

7_Libra.png.76e7f78f302ecac98755be4546ac7efc.pngLibra: You’ve got a lot on your plate this week, so it might be a good time to ask for help. Instead of getting overwhelmed, take a deep breath, write a clear and organized to-do list, and bury it at the crossroads at midnight on a new moon.  

 

8_Scorpio.png.16821b588133b7e2cc2562189b7c7c66.pngScorpio: You’re a huge sucker for the classics, so you knew from the moment she waltzed into your office with her Monroe smile and Garbo nose and Davis forehead and Bacall elbows that you’d do anything for her. And you have. Such terrible, terrible things. All for her.

 

9_Sagittarius.png.510623df41b6c7f39964f6e77ebdd966.pngSagittarius: Feel free to fool around until the cows come home, but you’ll regret it. The cows bring with them a terrible reckoning, and we’ll all pay when they come home.

 

10_Capricorn.png.62e1a9972e18202bb7a5d4325ec9a61b.pngCapricorn: An astrologer read the stars for Capricorn’s horoscope, and they were SHOCKED at what they found!

 

11_Aquarius.png.b8e9645a338da488052480b55cae1c74.pngAquarius: Some might say you’re looking for love in all the wrong places, but you’re pretty sure you’ll find exactly what you’re after in the peat bogs of Denmark.

 

12_Pisces.png.9250eaa6fa0a042073807380733d36f1.pngPisces: Everyone remembers that thing you did and they talk about it all the time.

Autumn

1_Aries.png.e7c8949208a07b2906a7b92f79742189.pngAries: Sure, you've successfully caught more flies with honey than with vinegar, but why? What are you doing with all those flies?

 

2_Taurus.png.6e2caf477161e1668cd37a56a110b618.pngTaurus: Treat yourself this week! Eat an entire cashmere sweater.

 

3_Gemini.png.ea7a1641915052ddb3f5f2bd07e97b6b.pngGemini: It's a good time to revive old friendships. Best accomplished through open communication, empathy, grave robbery, alchemy, and a well-timed lightning storm.

 

4_Cancer.png.970874db3af326d613bdb22a9933ab46.pngCancer: You'll finally encounter a living, breathing cryptid, just like you've always dreamed. Unfortunately, very few people will be impressed by your tale of the Fish-Man of That Retention Pond by the 7-11, You Know the One.

 

5_Leo.png.c611ee3756337ea895516d0c8778039f.pngLeo: They know.

 

6_Virgo.png.f7f8ab3268aec4054a8c824d929e5054.pngVirgo: Listen to your heart—that low, familiar buzzing sound that makes your teeth ache, in which words are almost discernible.

 

7_Libra.png.76e7f78f302ecac98755be4546ac7efc.pngLibra: Your free trial of the stars has expired. Please purchase the full version for $19.99 or be prepared to cower beneath the infinite black void every night.

 

8_Scorpio.png.16821b588133b7e2cc2562189b7c7c66.pngScorpio: The stars want you to know that you can totally pull off an all-denim outfit. You look great and definitely not like you're going to a hoedown.

 

9_Sagittarius.png.510623df41b6c7f39964f6e77ebdd966.pngSagittarius: Escape your troubles this week by entreating the gods to turn you into a fir tree.

 

10_Capricorn.png.62e1a9972e18202bb7a5d4325ec9a61b.pngCapricorn: Don't worry—for several reasons, your ongoing internal debate over whether or not to get bangs will be totally irrelevant by the end of the week.

 

11_Aquarius.png.b8e9645a338da488052480b55cae1c74.pngAquarius: We read the movements of the stars and planets for advice. Can we be certain the stars and planets are not also reading our movements and drawing their own unknowable conclusions?

 

12_Pisces.png.9250eaa6fa0a042073807380733d36f1.pngPisces: Remember, it's what's inside you that counts: sawdust and desiccated moths and stones etched with ancient runes, just like everybody else.

 

Autumn

1_Aries.png.e7c8949208a07b2906a7b92f79742189.pngAries: The stars are sort of wondering why you take so long to respond to their texts.

 

2_Taurus.png.6e2caf477161e1668cd37a56a110b618.pngTaurus: Your lucky color this week can only be perceived by the mantis shrimp and its name cannot be pronounced by human tongues.

 

3_Gemini.png.ea7a1641915052ddb3f5f2bd07e97b6b.pngGemini: An opportunity to fulfill a lifelong dream will fall right into your lap this week, assuming your lifelong dream is to have a wasp nest on your lap.

 

4_Cancer.png.970874db3af326d613bdb22a9933ab46.pngCancer: Remember: all you need is love. Not oxygen, not water, not food, not teeth, not bones, not blood. Only love.

 

5_Leo.png.c611ee3756337ea895516d0c8778039f.pngLeo: They're here.

 

6_Virgo.png.f7f8ab3268aec4054a8c824d929e5054.pngVirgo: Try on a new state of matter for size—plasma, anyone?

 

7_Libra.png.76e7f78f302ecac98755be4546ac7efc.pngLibra: There's nothing waiting under your bed to grab your ankles. No need to vault into bed from three feet away at night. There's nothing there. Absolutely nothing. No reason to be nervous. Walk slowly. Don't worry. Climb into bed at your leisure. You're... absolutely... safe.

 

8_Scorpio.png.16821b588133b7e2cc2562189b7c7c66.pngScorpio: It might be time to explore a career path that doesn't depend so heavily on your longship-building skills and the expeditious invention of time travel.

 

9_Sagittarius.png.510623df41b6c7f39964f6e77ebdd966.pngSagittarius: Live. Laugh. Love. Burrow. Consume. Grow. Ascend. Molt. Scream.

 

10_Capricorn.png.62e1a9972e18202bb7a5d4325ec9a61b.pngCapricorn: It's time to do some soul-searching. Where has your soul gone? It could be anywhere. You probably should have looked for it sooner.

 

11_Aquarius.png.b8e9645a338da488052480b55cae1c74.pngAquarius: Take a good hard look at your love life this week. You may want to invest in an electron microscope.

 

12_Pisces.png.9250eaa6fa0a042073807380733d36f1.pngPisces: This week you will finally evolve into MegaPisces and receive +5 to your attack and +2 to your defense.

Autumn

Week of 2/12

1_Aries.png.e7c8949208a07b2906a7b92f79742189.pngAries: Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like you're not wearing red-hot iron slippers.

 

2_Taurus.png.6e2caf477161e1668cd37a56a110b618.pngTaurus: This Wednesday, Saturn will be performing its demi-annual axial hyper-descent into diminishing anterograde orbit, which means your auxiliary ninth anti-house will be on an osmotic interception course with Jupiter's sixth moon. Anyway, we hope that gives you a clear picture of your love life this week.

 

3_Gemini.png.ea7a1641915052ddb3f5f2bd07e97b6b.pngGemini: Be true to your heart—don't trade it for somebody else's heart, no matter how many Pokémon cards they throw in to sweeten the deal.

 

4_Cancer.png.970874db3af326d613bdb22a9933ab46.pngCancer: Like all water signs, you will soon have to complete your metamorphosis and join the great upstream water sign pilgrimage.

 

5_Leo.png.c611ee3756337ea895516d0c8778039f.pngLeo: You will experience a lot of growth this week. Three new fingers, to be precise.

 

6_Virgo.png.f7f8ab3268aec4054a8c824d929e5054.pngVirgo: Kiss a lot of frogs. You won't find your prince, but you will be able to brag about kissing more frogs than anybody else.

 

7_Libra.png.76e7f78f302ecac98755be4546ac7efc.pngLibra: Your lucky number this week is √(-1).

 

8_Scorpio.png.16821b588133b7e2cc2562189b7c7c66.pngScorpio: "Bees," the stars have assured us. "Lots of bees."

 

9_Sagittarius.png.510623df41b6c7f39964f6e77ebdd966.pngSagittarius:  It's a good time to revisit your roots. Go to the sea. Leave everything on the shore. Wade out far. Breathe water. Become simpler. Consume other unicellular organisms. Drift with the currents. Know the peace of a rudimentary nervous system.

 

10_Capricorn.png.62e1a9972e18202bb7a5d4325ec9a61b.pngCapricorn: Every sign rules a body part, and Capricorn rules the skeleton. That means you have the celestial right to demand the other signs surrender their skeletons to you immediately.

 

11_Aquarius.png.b8e9645a338da488052480b55cae1c74.pngAquarius: At this point, it's sort of rude that you haven't acknowledged the shadow creature that crouches at the foot of your bed every night.

 

12_Pisces.png.9250eaa6fa0a042073807380733d36f1.pngPisces: The heavens would like to remind you that a bug has probably walked on you today.

Autumn

1_Aries.png.e7c8949208a07b2906a7b92f79742189.pngAries: The stars advise you to add avocado for 99¢. No matter what.

 

2_Taurus.png.6e2caf477161e1668cd37a56a110b618.pngTaurus: Today, you will meet a tall, beautiful stranger. Tomorrow, you will meet a tall, beautiful stranger. The following day, you will meet a tall, beautiful stranger. Every day for the rest of your life, you will meet a new tall, beautiful stranger, and you will always wonder where all these tall strangers come from, how they find you, why they are eternally strangers, and why they are so, so beautiful.

 

3_Gemini.png.ea7a1641915052ddb3f5f2bd07e97b6b.pngGemini: All the heavens said about Gemini this week was “LOBSTERS.” So, uh, good luck with that.

 

4_Cancer.png.970874db3af326d613bdb22a9933ab46.pngCancer: This week, you will only be visible under UV light.

 

5_Leo.png.c611ee3756337ea895516d0c8778039f.pngLeo: Your power color is gold, which is great news considering what’s been happening to everything you touch lately.

 

6_Virgo.png.f7f8ab3268aec4054a8c824d929e5054.pngVirgo: You never know what culinary treasures you’ll discover when you keep an open mind. Remember that when your wagon train gets stranded in the mountain pass this weekend.

 

7_Libra.png.76e7f78f302ecac98755be4546ac7efc.pngLibra: It is almost time to act. All your years of deep cover are about to pay off. You will know your contact by their use of the code phrase, “Let us go to the produce section and admire the beautiful heirloom tomatoes.”

 

8_Scorpio.png.16821b588133b7e2cc2562189b7c7c66.pngScorpio: [REDACTED]

 

9_Sagittarius.png.510623df41b6c7f39964f6e77ebdd966.pngSagittarius: For a variety of disturbing reasons, “do to others as you would have them do to you” is probably good advice for everyone except you.

 

10_Capricorn.png.62e1a9972e18202bb7a5d4325ec9a61b.pngCapricorn: Sooner or later, you’re going to have to accept that you can’t solve all your problems with the liberal application of a croquet mallet.

 

11_Aquarius.png.b8e9645a338da488052480b55cae1c74.pngAquarius: Venus will be in your second house this week. Tell her to get a job, pay a bill, or else get out.

 

12_Pisces.png.9250eaa6fa0a042073807380733d36f1.pngPisces: Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay CALM. STAY CALM. STAY CALM. STAY CALM. STAY CALM. STAY CALM.

 

images © xenia_ok/Shutterstock.com; painterr//Shutterstock.com

Autumn

1_Aries.png.e7c8949208a07b2906a7b92f79742189.pngAries: Mercury is visiting your eleventh house this week. Mercury is sort of wondering why you have so many houses, and if Mercury could maybe get in on whatever racket it is you're running.

 

2_Taurus.png.6e2caf477161e1668cd37a56a110b618.pngTaurus: The stars predict a disastrous but easily-avoidable mistake in your future. They won't tell you what it is unless you give them 20 bucks.

 

3_Gemini.png.ea7a1641915052ddb3f5f2bd07e97b6b.pngGemini: Mix it up and try something new this week—blinking, for example.

 

4_Cancer.png.970874db3af326d613bdb22a9933ab46.pngCancer: That isn't a cat.

 

5_Leo.png.c611ee3756337ea895516d0c8778039f.pngLeo: All the celestial signs assure us Pisces totally isn't out to get you this week—chill.

 

6_Virgo.png.f7f8ab3268aec4054a8c824d929e5054.pngVirgo: There are no Virgos this week. Sorry for any inconvenience.

 

7_Libra.png.76e7f78f302ecac98755be4546ac7efc.pngLibra: For reasons the stars aren't at liberty to discuss right now, they advise you to practice writing and eating with your non-dominant hand this week.

 

8_Scorpio.png.16821b588133b7e2cc2562189b7c7c66.pngScorpio: The Sun is approaching Scorpio this week. You're starting to sweat. You're starting to sweat SO MUCH. It's too late to take cover. What's left of you sizzles like an egg on the pavement.

 

9_Sagittarius.png.510623df41b6c7f39964f6e77ebdd966.pngSagittarius: Somehow, your reflection in the bathroom mirror is a Taurus, while your reflection in your bedroom mirror is a Cancer. Best not to dwell on this.

 

10_Capricorn.png.62e1a9972e18202bb7a5d4325ec9a61b.pngCapricorn: Your power words this week are "mitochondria" and "spicy." For best results, use them both in the same sentence as often as possible.

 

11_Aquarius.png.b8e9645a338da488052480b55cae1c74.pngAquarius: Could you possibly give the stars a ride to the airport on Saturday? Like, no pressure. Only if you're free, they mean. Actually, you know what, forget they asked, it's fine, they'll figure it out.

 

12_Pisces.png.9250eaa6fa0a042073807380733d36f1.pngPisces: You're definitely out to get Leo this week.

 

images © xenia_ok/Shutterstock.com; painterr//Shutterstock.com

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