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Weekly CICADA-scope

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Plan your week out with these 100% accurate horoscopes!

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Autumn

Week of 2/12

1_Aries.png.e7c8949208a07b2906a7b92f79742189.pngAries: Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like you're not wearing red-hot iron slippers.

 

2_Taurus.png.6e2caf477161e1668cd37a56a110b618.pngTaurus: This Wednesday, Saturn will be performing its demi-annual axial hyper-descent into diminishing anterograde orbit, which means your auxiliary ninth anti-house will be on an osmotic interception course with Jupiter's sixth moon. Anyway, we hope that gives you a clear picture of your love life this week.

 

3_Gemini.png.ea7a1641915052ddb3f5f2bd07e97b6b.pngGemini: Be true to your heart—don't trade it for somebody else's heart, no matter how many Pokémon cards they throw in to sweeten the deal.

 

4_Cancer.png.970874db3af326d613bdb22a9933ab46.pngCancer: Like all water signs, you will soon have to complete your metamorphosis and join the great upstream water sign pilgrimage.

 

5_Leo.png.c611ee3756337ea895516d0c8778039f.pngLeo: You will experience a lot of growth this week. Three new fingers, to be precise.

 

6_Virgo.png.f7f8ab3268aec4054a8c824d929e5054.pngVirgo: Kiss a lot of frogs. You won't find your prince, but you will be able to brag about kissing more frogs than anybody else.

 

7_Libra.png.76e7f78f302ecac98755be4546ac7efc.pngLibra: Your lucky number this week is √(-1).

 

8_Scorpio.png.16821b588133b7e2cc2562189b7c7c66.pngScorpio: "Bees," the stars have assured us. "Lots of bees."

 

9_Sagittarius.png.510623df41b6c7f39964f6e77ebdd966.pngSagittarius:  It's a good time to revisit your roots. Go to the sea. Leave everything on the shore. Wade out far. Breathe water. Become simpler. Consume other unicellular organisms. Drift with the currents. Know the peace of a rudimentary nervous system.

 

10_Capricorn.png.62e1a9972e18202bb7a5d4325ec9a61b.pngCapricorn: Every sign rules a body part, and Capricorn rules the skeleton. That means you have the celestial right to demand the other signs surrender their skeletons to you immediately.

 

11_Aquarius.png.b8e9645a338da488052480b55cae1c74.pngAquarius: At this point, it's sort of rude that you haven't acknowledged the shadow creature that crouches at the foot of your bed every night.

 

12_Pisces.png.9250eaa6fa0a042073807380733d36f1.pngPisces: The heavens would like to remind you that a bug has probably walked on you today.

Autumn

1_Aries.png.e7c8949208a07b2906a7b92f79742189.pngAries: The stars advise you to add avocado for 99¢. No matter what.

 

2_Taurus.png.6e2caf477161e1668cd37a56a110b618.pngTaurus: Today, you will meet a tall, beautiful stranger. Tomorrow, you will meet a tall, beautiful stranger. The following day, you will meet a tall, beautiful stranger. Every day for the rest of your life, you will meet a new tall, beautiful stranger, and you will always wonder where all these tall strangers come from, how they find you, why they are eternally strangers, and why they are so, so beautiful.

 

3_Gemini.png.ea7a1641915052ddb3f5f2bd07e97b6b.pngGemini: All the heavens said about Gemini this week was “LOBSTERS.” So, uh, good luck with that.

 

4_Cancer.png.970874db3af326d613bdb22a9933ab46.pngCancer: This week, you will only be visible under UV light.

 

5_Leo.png.c611ee3756337ea895516d0c8778039f.pngLeo: Your power color is gold, which is great news considering what’s been happening to everything you touch lately.

 

6_Virgo.png.f7f8ab3268aec4054a8c824d929e5054.pngVirgo: You never know what culinary treasures you’ll discover when you keep an open mind. Remember that when your wagon train gets stranded in the mountain pass this weekend.

 

7_Libra.png.76e7f78f302ecac98755be4546ac7efc.pngLibra: It is almost time to act. All your years of deep cover are about to pay off. You will know your contact by their use of the code phrase, “Let us go to the produce section and admire the beautiful heirloom tomatoes.”

 

8_Scorpio.png.16821b588133b7e2cc2562189b7c7c66.pngScorpio: [REDACTED]

 

9_Sagittarius.png.510623df41b6c7f39964f6e77ebdd966.pngSagittarius: For a variety of disturbing reasons, “do to others as you would have them do to you” is probably good advice for everyone except you.

 

10_Capricorn.png.62e1a9972e18202bb7a5d4325ec9a61b.pngCapricorn: Sooner or later, you’re going to have to accept that you can’t solve all your problems with the liberal application of a croquet mallet.

 

11_Aquarius.png.b8e9645a338da488052480b55cae1c74.pngAquarius: Venus will be in your second house this week. Tell her to get a job, pay a bill, or else get out.

 

12_Pisces.png.9250eaa6fa0a042073807380733d36f1.pngPisces: Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay CALM. STAY CALM. STAY CALM. STAY CALM. STAY CALM. STAY CALM.

 

images © xenia_ok/Shutterstock.com; painterr//Shutterstock.com

Autumn

1_Aries.png.e7c8949208a07b2906a7b92f79742189.pngAries: Mercury is visiting your eleventh house this week. Mercury is sort of wondering why you have so many houses, and if Mercury could maybe get in on whatever racket it is you're running.

 

2_Taurus.png.6e2caf477161e1668cd37a56a110b618.pngTaurus: The stars predict a disastrous but easily-avoidable mistake in your future. They won't tell you what it is unless you give them 20 bucks.

 

3_Gemini.png.ea7a1641915052ddb3f5f2bd07e97b6b.pngGemini: Mix it up and try something new this week—blinking, for example.

 

4_Cancer.png.970874db3af326d613bdb22a9933ab46.pngCancer: That isn't a cat.

 

5_Leo.png.c611ee3756337ea895516d0c8778039f.pngLeo: All the celestial signs assure us Pisces totally isn't out to get you this week—chill.

 

6_Virgo.png.f7f8ab3268aec4054a8c824d929e5054.pngVirgo: There are no Virgos this week. Sorry for any inconvenience.

 

7_Libra.png.76e7f78f302ecac98755be4546ac7efc.pngLibra: For reasons the stars aren't at liberty to discuss right now, they advise you to practice writing and eating with your non-dominant hand this week.

 

8_Scorpio.png.16821b588133b7e2cc2562189b7c7c66.pngScorpio: The Sun is approaching Scorpio this week. You're starting to sweat. You're starting to sweat SO MUCH. It's too late to take cover. What's left of you sizzles like an egg on the pavement.

 

9_Sagittarius.png.510623df41b6c7f39964f6e77ebdd966.pngSagittarius: Somehow, your reflection in the bathroom mirror is a Taurus, while your reflection in your bedroom mirror is a Cancer. Best not to dwell on this.

 

10_Capricorn.png.62e1a9972e18202bb7a5d4325ec9a61b.pngCapricorn: Your power words this week are "mitochondria" and "spicy." For best results, use them both in the same sentence as often as possible.

 

11_Aquarius.png.b8e9645a338da488052480b55cae1c74.pngAquarius: Could you possibly give the stars a ride to the airport on Saturday? Like, no pressure. Only if you're free, they mean. Actually, you know what, forget they asked, it's fine, they'll figure it out.

 

12_Pisces.png.9250eaa6fa0a042073807380733d36f1.pngPisces: You're definitely out to get Leo this week.

 

images © xenia_ok/Shutterstock.com; painterr//Shutterstock.com

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