Aries: Most people would be creeped out by a derelict battleship found mysteriously drifting with no crew, but you’re willing to put up with a lot for free rent.
Taurus: When you’re backed into a corner, don’t be afraid to show your teeth. All of your teeth. Your hundreds and hundreds of teeth.
Gemini: Your practice of channeling your stress and anger into gardening has resulted in incredibly anxious chives and passive aggressive rosemary.
Cancer: Like the rest of your crustaceous kind, you will eventually outgrow your current protective shell and must find a new one.
Leo: You’ve definitely got some skeletons in your closet—make the best of the situation by dressing them up in cute crocheted hats and bowties.
Virgo: You’re not really sure why you stand in the same spot in town day after day shouting FINE ARMOR AND SWORDS! every time a certain person walks by, and you’re not really sure where you go when you aren’t doing that. You think about it sometimes, but every time you get close to understanding something about your situation that person walks by again and all your thoughts are chased away by FINE ARMOR AND SWORDS!
Libra: The stars would like to remind you that you’ve got 206 bones in your body and you’ll surely be fine without one or two.
Scorpio: Prepare for a big surprise in biology class when you learn that most of your peers didn’t spend the first year of their life as an insectivorous aquatic larva.
Sagittarius: You’ll soon find out why all of the possums for miles around gather outside your house at night and stare into the windows while you try to sleep.
Capricorn: Your compulsion to crowd-surf at every large gathering is going to get you into trouble one of these days.
Aquarius: They all mocked you for majoring in bagpiping, but you’ll have the last laugh when they find out how the invading aliens communicate.
Pisces: Alleviate your worries about the future by putting your seal skin back on and returning to your people in the ocean.
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