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Hot fudge Look, we all want to be world-renowned Olympic bobsledders, but most of us get there through good old-fashioned hard work instead of by making dubious bargains with that man in the sunglasses who waits at the crossroads at midnight. That’s all we’re saying.
Sprinkles The lobster tank thing? Sure, maybe it got a little out of hand and, okay, some might say you went too far. And yeah, you and any future descendants are banned from all Whole Foods Market stores for the next five generations. But for the record, it was justice long overdue and you’d do it again in a heartbeat.
Moths Once during a particularly competitive game of Trivial Pursuit you excused yourself to the bathroom and looked up an answer on your phone. You felt kind of bad about it later.
Cherries You’d heard it all your life—that call, that song without words or melody that buzzed in the roots of your teeth. On the night your damp little fishing village was besieged by storms, you knew it was time to answer. You waded out into the tormented sea, guided by writhing shadows with impossible shapes. You followed the song down, down into the wild depths, and you finally shed your mortal husk, and you made a new home among old things with many teeth and many eyes and names that have passed out of living memory.
Peanuts You really thought you were going that extra mile for your first backstage gig at the local community theater. You realized too late that “break a leg” is an idiom, not a suggestion.
Whipped cream “Just beam down and check it out,” your Beloved High Commander told you with curiously smug smiles on all five of their faces. They deposited you on the humid blue planet with a ration supply and a cheerful parting promise to “swing by and pick you up later.” That was five years ago, by this planet’s reckoning.
You told your friends you couldn’t hang out on Saturday because you were so busy—honestly, just completely swamped—but really you just stayed in bed all day and watched seventeen episodes of Guiding Light.