Aries: Mercury is visiting your eleventh house this week. Mercury is sort of wondering why you have so many houses, and if Mercury could maybe get in on whatever racket it is you're running.
Taurus: The stars predict a disastrous but easily-avoidable mistake in your future. They won't tell you what it is unless you give them 20 bucks.
Gemini: Mix it up and try something new this week—blinking, for example.
Cancer: That isn't a cat.
Leo: All the celestial signs assure us Pisces totally isn't out to get you this week—chill.
Virgo: There are no Virgos this week. Sorry for any inconvenience.
Libra: For reasons the stars aren't at liberty to discuss right now, they advise you to practice writing and eating with your non-dominant hand this week.
Scorpio: The Sun is approaching Scorpio this week. You're starting to sweat. You're starting to sweat SO MUCH. It's too late to take cover. What's left of you sizzles like an egg on the pavement.
Sagittarius: Somehow, your reflection in the bathroom mirror is a Taurus, while your reflection in your bedroom mirror is a Cancer. Best not to dwell on this.
Capricorn: Your power words this week are "mitochondria" and "spicy." For best results, use them both in the same sentence as often as possible.
Aquarius: Could you possibly give the stars a ride to the airport on Saturday? Like, no pressure. Only if you're free, they mean. Actually, you know what, forget they asked, it's fine, they'll figure it out.
Pisces: You're definitely out to get Leo this week.
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