Aries: The stars advise you to add avocado for 99¢. No matter what.
Taurus: Today, you will meet a tall, beautiful stranger. Tomorrow, you will meet a tall, beautiful stranger. The following day, you will meet a tall, beautiful stranger. Every day for the rest of your life, you will meet a new tall, beautiful stranger, and you will always wonder where all these tall strangers come from, how they find you, why they are eternally strangers, and why they are so, so beautiful.
Gemini: All the heavens said about Gemini this week was “LOBSTERS.” So, uh, good luck with that.
Cancer: This week, you will only be visible under UV light.
Leo: Your power color is gold, which is great news considering what’s been happening to everything you touch lately.
Virgo: You never know what culinary treasures you’ll discover when you keep an open mind. Remember that when your wagon train gets stranded in the mountain pass this weekend.
Libra: It is almost time to act. All your years of deep cover are about to pay off. You will know your contact by their use of the code phrase, “Let us go to the produce section and admire the beautiful heirloom tomatoes.”
Sagittarius: For a variety of disturbing reasons, “do to others as you would have them do to you” is probably good advice for everyone except you.
Capricorn: Sooner or later, you’re going to have to accept that you can’t solve all your problems with the liberal application of a croquet mallet.
Aquarius: Venus will be in your second house this week. Tell her to get a job, pay a bill, or else get out.
Pisces: Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay CALM. STAY CALM. STAY CALM. STAY CALM. STAY CALM. STAY CALM.
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