Aries: Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like you're not wearing red-hot iron slippers.
Taurus: This Wednesday, Saturn will be performing its demi-annual axial hyper-descent into diminishing anterograde orbit, which means your auxiliary ninth anti-house will be on an osmotic interception course with Jupiter's sixth moon. Anyway, we hope that gives you a clear picture of your love life this week.
Gemini: Be true to your heart—don't trade it for somebody else's heart, no matter how many Pokémon cards they throw in to sweeten the deal.
Cancer: Like all water signs, you will soon have to complete your metamorphosis and join the great upstream water sign pilgrimage.
Leo: You will experience a lot of growth this week. Three new fingers, to be precise.
Virgo: Kiss a lot of frogs. You won't find your prince, but you will be able to brag about kissing more frogs than anybody else.
Libra: Your lucky number this week is √(-1).
Scorpio: "Bees," the stars have assured us. "Lots of bees."
Sagittarius: It's a good time to revisit your roots. Go to the sea. Leave everything on the shore. Wade out far. Breathe water. Become simpler. Consume other unicellular organisms. Drift with the currents. Know the peace of a rudimentary nervous system.
Capricorn: Every sign rules a body part, and Capricorn rules the skeleton. That means you have the celestial right to demand the other signs surrender their skeletons to you immediately.
Aquarius: At this point, it's sort of rude that you haven't acknowledged the shadow creature that crouches at the foot of your bed every night.
Pisces: The heavens would like to remind you that a bug has probably walked on you today.