Aries: The stars are sort of wondering why you take so long to respond to their texts.
Taurus: Your lucky color this week can only be perceived by the mantis shrimp and its name cannot be pronounced by human tongues.
Gemini: An opportunity to fulfill a lifelong dream will fall right into your lap this week, assuming your lifelong dream is to have a wasp nest on your lap.
Cancer: Remember: all you need is love. Not oxygen, not water, not food, not teeth, not bones, not blood. Only love.
Leo: They're here.
Virgo: Try on a new state of matter for size—plasma, anyone?
Libra: There's nothing waiting under your bed to grab your ankles. No need to vault into bed from three feet away at night. There's nothing there. Absolutely nothing. No reason to be nervous. Walk slowly. Don't worry. Climb into bed at your leisure. You're... absolutely... safe.
Scorpio: It might be time to explore a career path that doesn't depend so heavily on your longship-building skills and the expeditious invention of time travel.
Sagittarius: Live. Laugh. Love. Burrow. Consume. Grow. Ascend. Molt. Scream.
Capricorn: It's time to do some soul-searching. Where has your soul gone? It could be anywhere. You probably should have looked for it sooner.
Aquarius: Take a good hard look at your love life this week. You may want to invest in an electron microscope.
Pisces: This week you will finally evolve into MegaPisces and receive +5 to your attack and +2 to your defense.