Aries: Sure, you've successfully caught more flies with honey than with vinegar, but why? What are you doing with all those flies?
Taurus: Treat yourself this week! Eat an entire cashmere sweater.
Gemini: It's a good time to revive old friendships. Best accomplished through open communication, empathy, grave robbery, alchemy, and a well-timed lightning storm.
Cancer: You'll finally encounter a living, breathing cryptid, just like you've always dreamed. Unfortunately, very few people will be impressed by your tale of the Fish-Man of That Retention Pond by the 7-11, You Know the One.
Leo: They know.
Virgo: Listen to your heart—that low, familiar buzzing sound that makes your teeth ache, in which words are almost discernible.
Libra: Your free trial of the stars has expired. Please purchase the full version for $19.99 or be prepared to cower beneath the infinite black void every night.
Scorpio: The stars want you to know that you can totally pull off an all-denim outfit. You look great and definitely not like you're going to a hoedown.
Sagittarius: Escape your troubles this week by entreating the gods to turn you into a fir tree.
Capricorn: Don't worry—for several reasons, your ongoing internal debate over whether or not to get bangs will be totally irrelevant by the end of the week.
Aquarius: We read the movements of the stars and planets for advice. Can we be certain the stars and planets are not also reading our movements and drawing their own unknowable conclusions?
Pisces: Remember, it's what's inside you that counts: sawdust and desiccated moths and stones etched with ancient runes, just like everybody else.