Aries: Your tendency to dress up your problems so nobody worries about you will result in both a regional shortage of tweed and a particularly dapper local cockroach population.
Taurus: An unexpected travel opportunity will arise when a low-flying pan-dimensional spacecraft misinterprets your entire yoga class’s Warrior 1 pose as an SOS signal and performs an emergency rescue operation.
Gemini: Your lucky unicellular eukaryotic organism is Syringammina fragilissima.
Cancer: It’s best to let sleeping dogs lie, especially when they have that many heads.
Leo: You might be feeling a little run-down lately, but it’s nothing a few fresh brains can’t fix.
Virgo: You’ll finally find true love this week, but all attempts to kiss your beloved will result in you getting a fat lip from hitting the mirror.
Libra: You are what you eat, and what you are is a frankly astonishing quantity of spiders.
Scorpio: You’ll get a little despondent this week when you realize that the parole-breaker you’ve been chasing around France for almost two decades is probably the longest and most consistent relationship you’ve ever had.
Sagittarius: The good news is you’ve offended so many deities at this point that they’re all too busy squabbling over who gets to deal with you to actually do any proper cursing or smiting.
Capricorn: Any irate customer demanding to see your manager might regret it when they find out exactly who and what you work for.
Aquarius: Your efforts at using a Ouija board this week will result in the first documented case of phishing spam from the other side of the veil.
Pisces: You’ll be relieved to learn that what you thought was severe lifelong tinnitus is actually the echo of an eternal scream too high and terrible and distant for most mortals to hear.
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