Aries: All your wildest dreams will come true, which would be great news for somebody whose subconscious isn’t as relentlessly weird as yours.
Taurus: Mercury is in retrograde starting this Thursday, and while you’re not 100% clear on what that means, you’re prepared to use it as an excuse for absolutely everything for the next month.
Cancer: The stars don’t want to freak you out any sooner than necessary, so they’ll, uh, let you find this one out on your own.
Leo: This might be the week that cute person you’ve had your eye on finally moves out of “friend” territory and into “corroborating witness” territory.
Virgo: Your budding music career will stagnate this week when it occurs to you that all the good songs about being a little teapot have already been written.
Libra: When it rains, look for rainbows. When it’s dark, look for eyes.
Scorpio: It’s a good time to make a big change in your life. Start by anchoring yourself with silk to a strong tree branch and begin the process of shedding your skin to reveal the glistening articulated exoskeleton beneath.
Sagittarius: Always be yourself, no matter how many billions of people beseech you with weeping and clasped hands not to.
Capricorn: You will someday have the dubious distinction of being the first human skeleton reconstructed with wild inaccuracy by alien paleontologists.
Aquarius: Practice a little self-care this week! Burrow into the sweet dark earth, surround yourself in a mucous cocoon, and hibernate until everything looks a little friendlier.
Pisces: Learn to see the beauty in your differences—your leathery bill and venomous ankle spurs are what make you you.
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