Aries: Take some time to focus on the little things this week. Specifically, all the little things infesting your hair and clothing.
Taurus: It will soon occur to you that the majority of your current problems could be easily solved with about 1.5 tons of fresh tuna.
Gemini: Sure, having a pet can provide a lot of mental health benefits, but this probably doesn’t apply to that thing you keep in the attic.
Cancer: It’s spring, and you know what that means, Cancer: molting season.
Leo: Making new friends is simpler than you think—straw, burlap, and flannel shirts are affordable and easy to come by.
Virgo: There’s something in your teeth. No, not there. Nope, you didn’t get it.
Libra: If you’re feeling a little burned out, try going for a soothing nature walk in the dense and unspeakably ancient woods that surrounded your home overnight and appear to be getting closer to your door with each passing hour.
Scorpio: Remember the old saying: early to bed and early to rise helps you grow hundreds and hundreds of eyes.
Sagittarius: As it turns out, you can get away with a lot of things by calling yourself a performance artist.
Capricorn: The odds of getting attacked by a shark are approximately one in 11.5 million, and the odds of getting a royal flush in poker are one in 649,740, which will make what happens to you on Thursday that much more statistically remarkable.
Aquarius: Things might seem a little tough right now, what with the locust swarm and the pox upon your cattle and the plague upon your land, but seriously, you would feel a lot better if you took up yoga or started a gratitude journal.
Pisces: The stars are wondering how you’d like it if they gazed at you through a telescope all night. Creep.
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