Aries: March winds and April showers bring forth unholy powers.
Taurus: The floor isn’t actually lava. It’s the walls you need to worry about.
Gemini: Your relationship will enter a new and exciting stage this week when your partner presents you with the traditional gift of a silk-wrapped, partially digested moth.
Cancer: Follow your dreams, but do so stealthily and at a safe distance so they never know you’re coming until it’s too late.
Leo: Your alchemic career will hit a weird note when you somehow manage to transmute gold into a tasteful lead bust of 14th-century monk Nicolas Flamel.
Virgo: Aim for the moon. Hit the moon. Field dress the moon. De-bone the moon. Cook the moon. Devour the moon.
Libra: A lot of people refer to their partner as their “rock,” but this is actually pretty literal in your case.
Scorpio: The hounds are on their way.
Sagittarius: Work on your communication skills this week. Not everybody responds positively to sustained unearthly screeching in a range only audible to certain whales.
Capricorn: An opportunity to build a new friendship will arise when you complete cytokinesis and divide to create a genetically identical copy of yourself.
Aquarius: Yes, that person saw you reading fanfiction on your phone.
Pisces: If you can’t become an inspiration to future generations, the next best thing is to become a cautionary tale.
images © xenia_ok/Shutterstock.com; painterr//Shutterstock.com