Aries: There will be a new moon in Aries later this week. Please make sure to recycle the old one properly.
Taurus: Few sounds are more soothing than gentle piano music, but you wish you could figure out where it’s coming from and why it seems to follow you endlessly.
Gemini: You’ll find out who your real friends are this week through the cunning use of a powerful electromagnet.
Cancer: Your academic career will result in all the science classrooms being plastered with a slew of new, weirdly specific lab safety posters.
Leo: The stars regret to inform you that Leo has been cancelled for the foreseeable future. All current Leos will be reassigned to Virgo. The stars deeply apologize for any inconvenience.
Virgo: Due to the recent influx of former Leos, the stars are experiencing a higher call volume than normal. Please hold. Your call is very important to us. To leave a message in the general celestial mailbox, press 0.
Libra: Everyone thinks you sound terse and unapproachable in all your emails. Better liven them up with some exclamation points and smiley faces!!!! :)
Scorpio: Sure, you can gain a lot of wisdom from classic literature, but maybe bricking people up in the catacombs isn’t the solution to every conflict.
Sagittarius: The mail-in ancestry kit will be good fun until the DNA testing company informs you that the closest genetic match to your saliva sample is the medicinal leech.
Capricorn: Remember: character is who you are when no one except The Eternal-Watcher-Who-Was-the-First-and-Shall-Be-the-Last is looking.
Aquarius: Your lucky leathercraft tool this week is the stitching awl.
Pisces: You’ll finally get the job of your dreams. Unfortunately, this also means you’ll show up to your first day without pants and all your teeth will fall out.
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