Aries: Everything happens for a reason. The reason is that cursed music box everyone warned you not to open.
Taurus: Everyone told you that your dream to become a monstrous sphinx that demands passerby answer riddles or be eaten was unrealistic, but you’ll have the last laugh in the end.
Gemini: Look on the bright side! There’s nothing to see on the dark side. Nothing at all. Nope. Keep focusing on the bright side and please don’t look at the dark side. Please.
Cancer: People always claim to hear the ocean in seashells, so you don’t get why everybody looks so nervous when you tell them about the noises you hear in there.
Leo: Get in touch with your family this week. Make sure to stock up on candles and goat blood.
Virgo: As an earth sign, it’s very important that you consume a generous helping of topsoil every day.
Libra: For reasons the stars cannot tell you right now, it is absolutely vital that you memorize the following sequence of characters: 325-1866-98723-183-273455-q-x-9387-p.
Scorpio: If you’re feeling overwhelmed, try going out and lying facedown in the Pit until everything starts to make sense again
Sagittarius: You will be bitten by a radioactive octopus this week, resulting in a truly baffling array of new superpowers.
Capricorn: It would be best to avoid Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Aquarius, and Pisces for the foreseeable future.
Aquarius: Avert conflict this week by displaying your giant threatening eyespots and hissing loudly.
Pisces: No guts, no glory. Better start accumulating guts now while the glory exchange rate is still good.
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