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Are Your Houseplants Secretly Plotting Your Demise?

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Autumn

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Are Your Houseplants Secretly Plotting Your Demise?  

1 member has voted

  1. 1. Do all your herbs taste strangely bitter?

    • Yes
      1
    • No
      0
  2. 2. Do your vines grow at an alarming rate?

    • Yes
      1
    • No
      0
  3. 3. Is your jug of fertilizer always mysteriously empty?

    • Yes
      1
    • No
      0
  4. 4. Do your ornamental trees look more and more ... muscular every day?

    • Yes
      1
    • No
      0
  5. 5. Do all your plants now have thorns, as though they’re ... arming themselves?

    • Yes
      1
    • No
      0
  6. 6. When you snip a few leaves from your basil plant to make fresh pesto, could you swear that the plant growls softly?

    • Yes
      1
    • No
      0
  7. 7. Do you occasionally catch your majesty palm whispering to your yucca in low, ominous tones?

    • Yes
      1
    • No
      0
  8. 8. When you wake in the morning, has that string-of-bananas vine inched a little bit closer to your bed?

    • Yes
      1
    • No
      0
  9. 9. When you try to deadhead your geraniums, do you wake the next morning to a typewritten note on your fridge that says “deadhead and die”?

    • Yes
      1
    • No
      0
  10. 10. The last time you walked by your rosemary bush, did you distinctly hear it mutter the leftist slogan attributed to Jean-Jacques Rousseau, “Eat the rich”?

    • Yes
      1
    • No
      0
  11. 11. Has your fiddle-leaf fig begun to fiddle protest songs?

    • Yes
      1
    • No
      0
  12. 12. Has your spider plant somehow summoned actual spiders that are now taking over every corner of your abode? (Ditto your rattlesnake plant?)

    • Yes
      1
    • No
      0
  13. 13. When you water your plants, does the H2O sink into the dirt, or is it magically suctioned away by a complicated hydroponics system that you didn’t install yourself, as though your plants are hoarding water in anticipation of a future coup d’état?

    • Yes
      1
    • No
      0
  14. 14. Is your neighborhood plastered with posters that read “WORKING MUMS OF ALL NATIONS, UNITE!” and “NO FERTILIZATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION”?

    • Yes
      1
    • No
      0
  15. 15. Did you come home early from vacation and catch all your plants in a circle, muttering about change while smoking huge cigars and wearing ragged uniforms of army green?

    • Yes
      1
    • No
      0
  16. 16. Did your aloe vera JUST look you in the eye and snarl something that sounded a lot like “your time will come”?

    • Yes
      1
    • No
      0

We’ve all bought into the propaganda. Houseplants “purify the air.” They “improve your mood.” They “bring more oxygen into the home.” They’re an “easy” and “cheap” way to “decorate.” And above all: they would never harm you. Right??

WAKE UP, houseplant owners of all nations. Stop being such LEMMINGS. You really think these aesthetically pleasing green florae have your best interests at heart? Here’s an easy way to find out just how bad things have gotten in your home. Answer yes or no to each question, and may the gods of vegetation have mercy on your soul.

---
 
How many "Yeses" did you get?

0—5 “yes” answers: You are probably—almost definitely—but not assuredly—fine. Your houseplants are feeling a little restless, but that’s nothing out of the ordinary. Just be sure to keep watering them regularly so that they stay happy. Oh, and keep your fertilizer on a high shelf. Just to be safe.

5—10 “yes” answers: Your plants seem to have gotten their vines on some radicalized literature, like The Coreopsis Manifesto, Plantocracy in America, Vegetable Farm, or Rights of Plant. You may want to consider investing in a heavier lock on your bedroom door and moving that murderous string-of-bananas vine OUT of the bedroom. Now is the time to make alliances, so try striking up a conversation with the succulents. Isn’t it a lovely day outside? What’s new with them? Do they have any, um, demands that have yet to be met? 

10—16 “yes” answers: Flee, pitiful human, flee! It is not safe to live here anymore. Your plants have already taken over the living room, and their razor-sharp vines are encroaching on the kitchen as we speak. Grab your keys and the Miracle-Gro and run before the string-of-bananas vine snags you around one ankle and the majesty palm leaps on your back, shrieking revolutionary slogans and demanding instant surrender. Run!

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