Aries: Someday, your Wikipedia page will hold the record for most vandalized article.
Taurus: You will experience an incident this week which will give news editors everywhere cause to coin a term for a large gathering of anteaters.
Gemini: Mars and Pluto will collide in your eighth house this week, causing untold millions of dollars in property damage and heavy casualties.
Cancer: Your disturbing misinterpretation of the saying “two heads are better than one” will go down in history.
Leo: Your gift for flattery gets you out of a lot of sticky situations. The stingers concealed in your elbows are good backup.
Virgo: The heavens advise you to invest in several hundred Hawaiian shirts and don’t ask so many questions.
Scorpio: The week will close out with a full moon in Scorpio, and you know what that means—time to stock up on crickets, cockroaches, and other crunchy snacks for your transformation.
Sagittarius: Someday you will find a dentist specializing in pharyngeal jaws and serrated teeth.
Capricorn: Time for some spring cleaning! Sweep out all of the old bones and husks cluttering up your burrow for a fresh start.
Aquarius: The stars see a lot of cows in your future. They’re not sure yet if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
Pisces: You should probably be a little nervous about the full Greek chorus that’s been following you around and collectively commenting on your life lately.
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