Aries: Repent! Repent! Repent! Repent! Repent! Repent!
Taurus: The stars advise you to become the kind of person who wears a floor-length leather trench coat to school every day, even in the summer.
Gemini: Ask that special someone to prom by astral projecting into their room at night and whispering the words of the Beyond into their third ear.
Cancer: You have always tended the lighthouse. You maintain the flame with oil from barrels that never run dry to warn away ships that you never see. Surely there must be ships—otherwise, why would there be a lighthouse? You are alone. It is always night but there are no stars. Sometimes you think you hear the sound of a thousand birds but you have never seen them. Still, there is the lighthouse to tend, and you have always tended the lighthouse.
Leo: The bad news: the gods have cursed you to speak prophecies no one will believe. The good news: you’ll often have a reason to deliver a smug “I told you so.”
Virgo: You’d call the predicament you’re in “rock bottom” if the hole you’ve been tumbling down weren’t bottomless.
Libra: Acquire two (2) medium-sized snails, twelve (12) copies of Pride and Prejudice, and seven (7) gallons of canola oil. Await further instructions at the rendezvous point.
Scorpio: Your misguided efforts to find the next “best thing since sliced bread” mostly consist of slicing other things and seeing how the focus groups react.
Sagittarius: Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because Daazhaombratl’xheth the Eternal Hunger has risen from the Silent Pit and They will remember the ones who served Them faithfully.
Capricorn: It’s true: you are objectively cooler than Aries because you are a mermaid-bovid.
Aquarius: Your clouds don’t have silver linings—they have tempered steel linings and you can wield them with deadly effect.
Pisces: In your experience, “this too shall pass” is applicable to everything but you. You were here before the beginning and at this point it seems likely you’ll be here after the end.
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