Aries: Sure, all your friends and family have been replaced by poorly-concealed malevolent changelings, but all in all you’ve found the change refreshing.
Taurus: You have nothing to fear in the woods surrounding grandmother’s house—like many poisonous animals, your bright red hood is a warning.
Gemini: At this point, the entity haunting your bathroom is the least of your problems.
Cancer: Everyone agrees you have your mother’s eyes and your father’s nose, but nobody’s quite sure which side of the family the tentacles came from.
Leo: Someday, your efforts to bring the Tudor ruff back into fashion will be rewarded.
Virgo: When at odds with someone, be the bigger person. Be gigantic. Be monumental. Be a thing of planetary magnitude. Look down upon your cowering antagonist with divine indifference.
Libra: Feeding the birds is an investment in your future. The birds tally every seed and every slight, and they never, ever forget the score.
Scorpio: Your power color is Void.
Sagittarius: Nobody needs that many plastic lawn flamingos. Nobody. Honestly, what is wrong with you?
Capricorn: Good things come to those who wait. With that in mind, consider participating in a human cryopreservation trial.
Aquarius: You’ve spent so long dreaming about what you might find somewhere over the rainbow that you never stopped to consider that maybe there are some things human eyes were never meant to see.
Pisces: The stars advise you to learn how to build a fire using a couple sticks and a piece of string. Also, invest in a few dozen hand crank lanterns and a bullhorn. Just... trust them.
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