I was summoned! (cackles maniacally) Alright, let's see what we've got.
This is a really good line. I would honestly suggest cutting the rest of your first stanza and opening with this, possibly with a line break after "prophetic".
I think that this could be compressed into
or something similar. Mentioning hands, fingertips, and fingers feels a little redundant. Also, I am all for cutting out excess words and compressing things as much as possible. I feel like in poetry, we have a small word quota, and it's important to use each and every word deliberately. (This is probably a stylistic me thing, though.)
Maybe change to "the lines you say aloud are tripping over reality"?
I'm not sure if this example is necessary to make your point. (I think that statements without elaboration are more the style that this poem is headed for, but again, possibly a me thing.)
I'd suggest changing this section to "the lines get crossed / (it was only a dream) / you will never know".
I think introducing the idea of sparring/similar imagery earlier in the poem might make this line more effective. (I love the word "sparring", because it sounds almost like "sparing", which is completely different but almost the same.)
This could be changed simply to "I will not trip / for then I might fall", which could loop back either to sparring or to the idea of trip-lines/wires.
Finally: this sounds like a hellishly complicated social/mental situation... I hope that clarifies for you. (I probably ought to offer advice, because I'm an older Slammer with life experience and all that, but I'm also a socially awkward human, so I may not be your best bet. :P)
And per usual, let me know if you have any questions about my feedback. Also, if you want to post a revised version of the poem here, I am down to read and critique that too. :)
In retrospect, I completely agree with you. This is something I could say differently and something I'll definitely revise.
Hit the nail on the head, there. The repetitions/handfuls line refers to handfuls of pills - mostly psychotropic, but also for migraines and the like. Possibly might change that to "repetitions and handfuls of", if it's too confusing. (I mean, some confusion is good, but I like people actually being able to get things out of my poems.)
Yup, and a commentary on how some medications (usually psychotropic ones) can sometimes have paradoxical effects, in that they produce a reaction that is the opposite thing of what you would want to happen. As in, an anti-anxiety drug making you more anxious or a mood stabilizer making one's mood less stable.
As a rule, I don't use question marks in my poetry, and I don't really like my poems to feel as though they've ended. I like it when an unsettled, uncomfortable, unfinished feeling sticks with my readers.
Thank you so much for your critiques and feedback! Fact: you do not suck at critiquing, because (a) good critiques are a skill that everyone is constantly learning and (b) all feedback and reactions are legitimate.
Final note: I am honestly surprised you got as much out of my semi-cryptic poetry as you did. I am the deity of obfuscation.
aaah thank you so much!! these are good things to look at and im def coming back to this poem for revisions skdgjdkfs
(also i agree about the last line ksdjgkdfs it's poorly worded bc im all about making lines the same length for Aesthetic Purposes so i just. added useless words to it)
again, tysm!! <3 i really appreciated this
(cracks knuckles) Right-o, here we go.
I want to change the structure of your poem somewhat. I'm not a fan of the use of dashes when you're going to italicize the next two lines, because that distinguishes the change plenty. For example, I'd change these lines
Also, I never bother with commas at the end of lines because they feel redundant, but that might be entirely a me thing. Onto other things:
I love the idea of "headspace reruns", but I don't understand how that's happening "behind loose folded arms". (Maybe add a comma after "flicker" for clarity?) I'd also suggest moving the line break from "into the / not-quite-dark" to "into / the not-quite-dark". "Feels like home" is both good and slightly cliche - consider a revision.
Okay, so this may be an entirely nerdy me thing, but orange-colored streetlights are made of sodium, and "sodium streetlights" would sound whisper-y and alliterative (even if it is a blended consonant sound, technically). Possibly veering toward a little too much color imagery here, with "purple scarf" and "whitecapped" and "surge green".
To me, "faceted" implies "quartzlike" without actually saying that. Maybe choose another word here?
I both love this and feel like it's cumbersome-ly worded. (My comment is cumbersome-ly worded. :P) I'm not sure how to fix it, though, so this is mostly just a thought and suggestion to revise.
Overall, I really enjoyed this. Hope the suggestions are helpful!