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she asks if i want to hurt myself
that i can tell her anything
so i shake my head.
because i’m not hurting
my self or my body, i’m just
a modern michelangelo. 
removing every part of me
that isn’t.
i just saw the angel in the marble 
and carved until i set us free.
 
  • critiques welcome!
  • i have another drafts that has "part of me that isn't / me" but i like this much better, if it makes sense?
  • pls critique, i'm trying to get better and publish my crap someday lmao as if
  • hashtag instagram poetry 
  • idk what 2 say
  • thanks 4 reading
  • i only have ghostly scars by now but im feeling like a ghost so 
  • be safe, kiddos
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mouse / she/her.

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super radically vivid imagery!! the one thing i feel kinda eh about, that obviously isnt like a) a Major Thing or b) something you should change if you dont want to, but the emphasis on Isn't and the immediate italics feel like a bit much to me? but idk! i like this a lot, dude

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current number of classic lit characters ive gone out of my way to project on and reason out why they might be gay: 8

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On 12/17/2017 at 10:18 PM, conradbirdie said:

super radically vivid imagery!! the one thing i feel kinda eh about, that obviously isnt like a) a Major Thing or b) something you should change if you dont want to, but the emphasis on Isn't and the immediate italics feel like a bit much to me? but idk! i like this a lot, dude

thank you so much!!! 

and i agree, it's a bit much; the italics are just bc it's a michelangelo quote with the pronouns changes, so i wanted it to kind of signal the quote... but ye you right.

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mouse / she/her.

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oh DUDE that makes so much sense!! idk what you could do Instead, and i dont want to like. Tell You What To Do or anything! the main point is: thats a perfect quote, thank you so much for sharing

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current number of classic lit characters ive gone out of my way to project on and reason out why they might be gay: 8

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On 12/17/2017 at 9:04 PM, mouse said:

critiques welcome!

I'm free from finals and actually able to critique/write things now, so here we go.

On 12/17/2017 at 9:04 PM, mouse said:
she asks if i want to hurt myself
that i can tell her anything
so i shake my head.

Very therapist-y, very good. But I'd add "says" be fore "that I can tell her anything", because "asks ... that I can tell her anything" doesn't make much sense.

On 12/17/2017 at 9:04 PM, mouse said:
i’m just
a modern michelangelo. 
removing every part of me
that isn’t.
i just saw the angel in the marble 
and carved until i set us free.

I have some thoughts/suggestions about this bit. Personally, I feel that both name-checking Michelangelo and using a quote is more than you need. I think you could cut everything from "i'm just / a modern ... " to "that isn't" and jump straight into the quote, which I feel is made fully evident by the italics. (If people want to know who the quote's from, there's always the internet.) Which leaves you with something like this:

On 12/17/2017 at 9:04 PM, mouse said:
she asks if i want to hurt myself
says that i can tell her anything
so i shake my head.
because i’m not hurting
my self or my body
i just saw the angel in the marble 
and carved until i set us free.

That also makes the quote sound like your response to your therapist, which I think is an interesting twist on things. Possibly a little less clear than the original, though. (To be honest, I'm the deity of obfuscation, so you may not want to take my advice on this one.) 

Overall, wonderful poem. Thanks for sharing. :) 

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On 12/21/2017 at 6:11 PM, Ainm said:

I'm free from finals and actually able to critique/write things now, so here we go.

Very therapist-y, very good. But I'd add "says" be fore "that I can tell her anything", because "asks ... that I can tell her anything" doesn't make much sense.

I have some thoughts/suggestions about this bit. Personally, I feel that both name-checking Michelangelo and using a quote is more than you need. I think you could cut everything from "i'm just / a modern ... " to "that isn't" and jump straight into the quote, which I feel is made fully evident by the italics. (If people want to know who the quote's from, there's always the internet.) Which leaves you with something like this:

That also makes the quote sound like your response to your therapist, which I think is an interesting twist on things. Possibly a little less clear than the original, though. (To be honest, I'm the deity of obfuscation, so you may not want to take my advice on this one.) 

Overall, wonderful poem. Thanks for sharing. :) 

this is so helpful!! thank you so much, definitely editing with these points. x


mouse / she/her.

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