Jump to content
Short_comedian

First Date in 2nd Person

Recommended Posts

You arrive early in your nerdiest hoodie. The green one reading "I never got my acceptance letter to Hogwarts so I'm leaving the Shire and becoming a Jedi". You've only ever seen that one Star Wars movie-that Disney revival that everyone was so excited for. But that's besides the point. 

At one point vaguely interested in parkour and feeling quite jittery, you box-jump onto the low wall bordering the pitiful landscaping in the Town Square where you're supposed to meet him. You jog along the wall for a while, jumping onto the higher sections boasting light posts and sing a Les Mis song. After countless repetitions of this, he arrives. You greet him with a hug. You smile, he smiles back. You glance at his eyes for a second and look away shyly. You hand him the cup of candy you got from the cross country banquet the night before and the paracord Deadpool bracelet you bought for him at the crafts fair over Thanksgiving break. 

You suggest getting a hot chocolate at the Starbucks across the street. Your wallet protests, but there's something about this boy that makes you ignore the cries of your wallet.  You get there and remember that you don't, in fact, know how to order at Starbucks despite watching your mom and sister order their lattes countless times. You order clumsily, playing a quick round of "I don't know, what do you want to get?" "I don't know, what do you want to get?" with him before getting the next smallest size. You insist on paying.

You awkwardly push your hand into his, and he grabs it before exclaiming, "holy crap your hands are so cold!" You proceed to the pick-up counter where you grab your hot chocolates and head out.  When you see a dog, you mention your far-fetched goal of petting every damn dog you see. From that point, it's only a question of whether or not the two of you can feasibly catch up to the receding owner whilst holding each others hands and your own hot chocolates. You do this for a few minutes before sitting down on the very wall that you strolled on while waiting for him. You pull out the Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone trivia game you brought and thrash him solidly while taking short breaks to pet a dog or two. 

After packing up the game, you ask if he would like to go to the local art store. You want to look at  frames for a present for a friend, he's an enthusiastic art kid. He says "I'm an art kid, of course I wanna go!"

You hold hands and discuss personal aesthetics (his is a Slytherin plant aesthetic) on the short walk to the store. You poke around, talk a little too loudly, and all the while fall in love with him more and more. You don't end up buying anything.  You head to the local 5Below, needing to get something for a Secret Santa. You joke and laugh, and he resists the urge to impulse buy anything Harry Potter-related. You eventually come across some Hogwarts house pins and say, "I'll tell you what, I'll buy these if you put the Gryffindor one on your backpack, and I'll put the Slytherin on mine." 

"Sure, if I buy them."

"Nope. I asked you out on this date, I buy. Never argue with a Humanities student."

He doesn't protest. You continue looking around, his phone battery dwindling. You eventually settle on a music composition book and a mini skateboard for your Secret Santa. He needs a charger so you split off to find one. You find one and head to check out. You pay, and briefly wonder what the cashier thought of the two very awkward pre-T boys who are obviously at the beginning of what you hope to be a long and happy relationship. 

There's a Petsmart next door. Doing what any two hopelessly Tumblr pan boys would do, you enter with the sole purpose of looking at the assorted animals and ultimately end up cuddling in front of the glass window looking into the cat room.  You eventually peel yourselves away to satisfy his phone's need to be charged. You lead him back to your house, where he plugs his phone in and you show him around, holding his hand the entire time.  You pull your sparring sword out from underneath your parent's bed where they hid it after you accidentally broke a light bulb while practicing a guard and cut. You introduce him to your dog. 

His phone dings, and he has to leave for a piano thing. Halfway through the walk back to Town Square, you pause and tell him,  "I really want to kiss you right now."

He turns to look at you, and you ask, "are we gonna do this?" 

He says yes. 

He says yes and its absolutely perfect. The feeling is indescribable. It's not your first, but it's his. It's his first and yet the euphoria you get sends the both of you into a first-kiss skipping frenzy, cut short by your lungs not getting enough air. He's concerned-you shouldn't have been skipping while binding. You gasp for air and once you finally get your breath, you take his hand and tell him its all right, that you're fine. You walk the rest of the way to Town Square.  Once there, he asks for another kiss. You happily oblige. This one sends you hurdling over the very wall where you beat him at Harry Potter trivia. There's just so much serotonin and adrenaline-you go sailing over on a fuckin rainbow and, much to your surprise, you don't fall on your face. You walk him over to his mom's car, say goodbye with a hug, and run away. You run away because it was such a perfect first date, because you want to show off, because you want to jump over that  wall again.

You clip it this time and damn near fall on your face.

 

  • Like 1

Not quite sure where I'm going, but I'm going somewhere, that's for sure.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I ended up printing this out to be able to edit with actual pen and paper instead of having to quote every couple of lines, so the images attached have my nitpick-y editing. (Let me know if you can't read my handwriting anywhere, and I can clarify.) General feedback:

  • Don't start every/almost every sentence with "you". Sentence variety is your friend.
  • Consider adding more actual back-and-forth dialogue to break up so much straight narration. Plus, it helps us to get to know the characters a little bit more.
  • Check comma usage and punctuation.
  • Try to smooth out transitions and/or pick your paragraph breaks a little more intentionally. (I've made a few suggestions regarding this, but I'm sure you can apply this to more places in the story.)
  • The nerdy references in the story help to keep it entertaining. (Especially "Slytherin plant aesthetic"!) Might be a personal preference, but I think an in-joke or two would not go amiss.
  • Similarly, the humor that you already have is great, and more of it would make the story even more engaging. (Your ending is brilliant. I laughed ridiculously hard.)

Now that I've ripped the story to shreds... I think that you've got a lot of good pieces to put back together. :P Hope that helps!

IMG_2239.JPG

IMG_2238.JPG

IMG_2237.JPG


ᚐᚅᚋ

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

took forever to respond to this, and obviously, i'm not ainm either, but 1) i loved this, every little detail was a downright treat, dude! 2) admittedly, i think the story might shine in a different (maybe better?) light if it was in first person, for the sake of feeling more immediate. at the same time, the second person writing does make it very interesting, in a 'gotta learn more' way. i think you could pull it in either direction and it would end up fab, just depends on what you're going for, i guess? 3) i'm glad you had a good time, he sounds sweet!


current number of classic lit characters ive gone out of my way to project on and reason out why they might be gay: 8

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

×