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and reflected bright coral in his eyes begins eight AM
listerine on his breath, behind white slice of toothy grin
tropicana versus crest tangles sharp, bitter
while taillights skate neon afterimages into eyelids, retina
searing RGB migraine he could not desaturate
road noise exacerbates heart-synced hammer beats
he looks like cotton, soft around the edges, light fanning
and creamsicle dreams hover sweet on his tongue
sepia-toned polaroids flick movie reel: summer flings
there is no such thing as easy loving, and spoken words
do not belong to you anymore
golden days, missing each other, craving time lost
but today: sun dips early, bending back into the horizon
and drive time folds, morning's silver skin skidding behind pine boughs

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holla holla get dolla

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Okay, so I'm not sure which (if any) of these suggestions would violate the prompt, but here's some suggestions/critique anyway:

19 hours ago, drowntown said:

and reflected bright coral in his eyes begins eight AM

I originally misread this as "begets eight AM", which I actually like better, but it's good as it stands too.

19 hours ago, drowntown said:

listerine on his breath, behind white slice of toothy grin

I'm really, really nitpicking, but I don't think you need the comma in this line.

19 hours ago, drowntown said:

he looks like cotton, soft around the edges, light fanning

Saying that "he looks like cotton" kind of already implies to me that something is "soft around the edges", but this may just be my reductionist tendencies.

19 hours ago, drowntown said:

flick

Maybe "flicker"? "Flick" didn't make much sense to me here.

19 hours ago, drowntown said:

there is no such thing as easy loving, and spoken words
do not belong to you anymore

Damn. Those are good lines.

19 hours ago, drowntown said:

and drive time folds, morning's silver skin skidding behind pine boughs

This isn't a satisfying ending to me, but maybe that's what you want. Otherwise, I'd consider revising a little.

Overall, lovely, lovely poem. Thanks for sharing! 

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ᚐᚅᚋ

 

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@Ainm ahhhhh thank u!!! (i submitted the poem in a group discussion where my classmates had to critique each other and only one out of like 30 students critiqued mine while other poems got 3 or 4 and? the slam is so much fucking better for growing as a poet you helped so much more)


holla holla get dolla

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