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Sunset Poppies

The ways we’ve changed (by accident-on purpose)

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Hold on. It will stop. It will get better.

It was hard to believe on day one

but only got harder on day five

day six

day thirty-three.

 

What I feel doesn't have a proper definition. 

One could say that it’s

missing your old school, but there’s more to it.

There’s that memory of undeterred

confidence. 

This sensation

like when you know the material on a test like the back of your hand,

where you walk around and say,

“I completely know this,  

I am comfortable,

I BELONG.”

 

It also,

perhaps permanently,

changes your thinking from

“this is what happened”

to “what if this happened”.

Every moment is strategized. 

With new friends, you  must be cheerful, be funny, be attentive.

 

What if they don’t like you?

What if you don’t make any friends?

What if, what if you run out of jokes, run out of story’s, fade into nothing?

 

Even when you're with old friends, there’s those nagging questions.

    Oh my god, how are you? Or should I say, how's it going, short stacks ?

“Yeah, ha.”

That laugh was half hearted. You remember that inside joke, right?

“Yeah, well, nice talking to you! I, uh, gotta go.”

“Oh absolutely! Text you!”

“...”

You remember me,

we’re still friends,

I’m still here, RIGHT?

You can hear it in the way we change the topic after we say things,

like “my new friend”

and “at my new school”.

You can hear the false note

in the laughter.

You can hear it the way we act like nothing’s changed,

when only everything has.

The way we lie.

“I’ll see you next week!”

“I’ll text you as soon as I get home!”

“Yes, we have to keep in touch!"

“It’s funny how everything is so easy, it’s like we’re back at our old school!”

Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. 

That’s the other thing about new-girl-itis.

While your crumbling on the inside, the outside has to be

a shell, strong, giving off

the very same confidence you once felt.

You have to fight to keep a nice, neat, tidy corner of you

to show the outside world,

while all the negativity adds to the piles inside of you.

Creates walls too high to see through.

Creates pressure on one’s shell.

 

Those shells will break every now and then with enough pressure.

 

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