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A Couple on a Cruise (response to a prompt in a short, slightly non-sensical play)

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Prompt: A Couple of a Cruise

Include the following: -nosy -sponsor - passenger -willing -smile -brew -yellow -neighbor -hundred -stairwell

 

Two men are walking up the ramp to a cruise ship carrying suitcases.

MICHAEL: carrying suitcase up ramp to cruise ship We're here at last!

LUKE: reaching for Michael's suitcase Let me carry that! takes bag from Michael's hand

MICHAEL: No no I can carry it!

LUKE: smiling at his boyfriend Too late.

they board together

BOARDING AGENT: tickets, please!

Michael and Luke fumble around for their tickets

MICHAEL: to Luke I thought you had them?

LUKE: I thought you had them!

they frantically pat their pockets while boarding agent taps his foot impatiently

MICHAEL: holding up wallet Aha! Here they are! I stuck them in here for safe keeping!  opens wallet and pulls out tickets, hands them to boarding agent

BOARDING AGENT: inspecting tickets all right, you're in the hundred's hall.

Michael and Luke move to board ship

NOSY NEIGHBOR: Hey!

Michael and Luke keep walking

NOSY NEIGHBOR: I said HEY! waving at Michael and Luke's backs

Michael and Luke turn around

NOSY NEIGHBOR: Where's your rooms? sees Michael and Luke holding hands Are you GAY?! You're not going to be having sex on the cruise, are you? You'd better not, not when I'm your neighbor!

Luke puts a restraining hand on Michael's shoulder. Michael should look angry and embarrassed

MICHAEL: through gritted teeth Why would you ask our room when you already know where it is?

NOSY NEIGHBOR: I saw your tickets over your shoulder. Now I really hope you're not going to be fudge packing. I heard these walls are really thin. I don't want to hear you sinning all night.

Luke has to really restrain Michael now

MICHAEL: YOU KNOW WHAT'S SINNING? WEARING THAT STUPID YELLOW SHIRT! pointing angrily at Nosy Neighbor's yellow smiley face shirt

BOARDING AGENT: stepping between Michael and Nosy Neighbor Now, now, you're disturbing the other passengers! to Nosy Neighbor I will not let you to disrespect the other passengers. Let the two men live. To Michael and Luke Carry on. I'll see about moving her glaring at Nosy Neighbor

LUKE: to boarding agent let me buy you a brew, later? Thanks for helping out.

BOARDING AGENT: shaking head I'm not actually on the cruise. Thanks though.

the couple finally gets settled in their room when there's a knock on the door

CHEERY GIRL SCOUT: Hi there, misters! I'm with troop 394 and this is our first trip! Would you like to sponsor our 4th?

MICHAEL: who answers the door, casts a weary glance at Luke Yeah, sure, here's 5 dollars. opens wallet and gives girl 5 dollars

LUKE: are you selling cookies?

CHEERY GIRL SCOUT: In the port stairwell. See you there! Bon voyage!

MICHAEL AND LUKE: Bon voyage!

 

Author's note:

Ugh, this is such a mess. @Ainm have at it.

  • Like 2

Not quite sure where I'm going, but I'm going somewhere, that's for sure.

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2 hours ago, Short_comedian said:

MICHAEL: YOU KNOW WHAT'S SINNING? WEARING THAT STUPID YELLOW SHIRT! pointing angrily at Nosy Neighbor's yellow smiley face shirt

hey marshall this is Iconic

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current number of classic lit characters ive gone out of my way to project on and reason out why they might be gay: 8

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General things:

  • Names of characters should be in all caps in stage directions (or basically anywhere that isn't dialogue).
  • Say how characters do look/act/sound not how they should
  • Stage directions that occur in lines of dialogue should be in parentheses.
  • Try to eliminate unnecessary stage directions (e.g., things that can be inferred from dialogue [which should be most things], things that are evident from previous/other stage directions, etc.). 
  • Go through and edit your capitalization and punctuation for consistency. (There are a lot of little things that I think you can catch on your own, so I've focused my critique more on content than conventions.)

Content things:

2 hours ago, Short_comedian said:

BOARDING AGENT: inspecting tickets all right, you're in the hundred's hall.

I feel like he'd be a little bit more specific about location? Not that I've ever been on a cruise, but "hundreds" seems pretty vague.

2 hours ago, Short_comedian said:

NOSY NEIGHBOR: Where's your rooms?

I'd eliminate the question/response about where the rooms are. It feels a little confusing/contrived with the other context: Why would the neighbor ask if they already knew where the room was?

2 hours ago, Short_comedian said:

MICHAEL: YOU KNOW WHAT'S SINNING? WEARING THAT STUPID YELLOW SHIRT! pointing angrily at Nosy Neighbor's yellow smiley face shirt

Okay, this is funny, but... this doesn't seem like a realistic reaction at all. Unless you're going for surrealism/satire (which the rest of this piece doesn't really feel like), the line doesn't really seem to belong.

3 hours ago, Short_comedian said:

CHEERY GIRL SCOUT: Hi there, misters! I'm with troop 394 and this is our first trip! Would you like to sponsor our 4th?

There are girl scouts on cruise ships? This seems apropos of nothing, but if you're going for nonsense...

Overall thoughts:

This advice probably seems contrary to everything that I critiqued, but I think you need to increase the nonsensical aspects. Make it satire. Make it surreal. Make it worthy of Vonnegut and Austen. Like @conradbirdie said, "THAT STUPID YELLOW SHIRT" has potential to be iconic. Bring the rest of the piece up to its level. 

  • Like 1

ᚐᚅᚋ

 

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