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conradbirdie

tag urself im making an official store-wide event to spend more time w/ my spouse

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EXT. TOLERATE NO S*** GROCERY - DAY

A few people mill about the front of the store, eating and grabbing carts.

INT. TOLERATE NO S*** GROCERY

MASON sidles up to LOUIS, who is restocking produce like death would be a welcome change from apples.

MASON
(whispering) A travesty has come upon us.

LOUIS
(deadpan) Oh, gee whiz, must be a Monday, hahahaha.

MASON
Louis, no. You sound like fuckin' Garfield. Have you seen the signs?

Louis glances up at the handmade banner reading "BRING YOUR WIFE TO WORK DAYS - JUNE 12TH"

LOUIS
That phrasing concerns me. How many days will I be bringing my nonexistent wife to work and why doesn't she have a nonexistent job? How are we going to pay the mortgage and my cheese habits and her heavy drinking of coffee and our heterosexual condom-filled love life without supplementary income?

MASON
Dude, I thought you'd have a problem with the 'wife' part. I mean, that's my beef with it.

LOUIS
My husband already works here, to help pay for our mortgage and my cheese habits and his heavy drinking of coffee and our homosexual condom-filled-

MASON
You literally do not have to explain my dad's love life with you, I-

LOUIS
Every day is bring your husband to work day. And every night is cheese night and coffee night and homosexual con-

MASON
I know.

LOUIS
Then what is your 'beef' with it? You can invite your girlfriend over on any off her days off.

There is a pause. Mason leans in conspiratorially.

MASON
The only person who has a wife is our boss.

Louis' eyes widen. He seems close to exploding with the sudden amount of emotion.

LOUIS
That accursed, wonderfully self-centered, spoiling woman.

INT. BACK ROOM

Mason leans back in a folding chair, a huge grin on his face.

MASON
Louis and the boss have this rivalry thing going on. They're trying to figure out who can be the most narcissistic and adoring of their partners at the same time, or something? Louis was in the lead by making a beach resort here in the back room for my dad, with a truckload of sand and a dozen heat lamps, but this new turn of events?

He shakes his head.

MASON
Hoo boy. Drama.

INT. TOLERATE NO S*** GROCERY

FIORALBA, a woman clearly interested in business, is putting posters up on a cork board. They all read "BYWTWD". Louis approaches.

LOUIS
Good afternoon, Fioralba, you fiend.

FIORALBA
Please, call me boss. Or, alternatively, 'soon to be holder of the title of self-and-partner-centered-champion'.

She turns to the side, whispering a quiet "boo yah" to herself. She turns back. Louis is squinting at the posters.

FIORALBA
What, cat got your pampering tongue?

LOUIS
You'll never get away with this.

FIORALBA
Considering I'm the end-all-be-all of every official in store event? I will, and Boyewtwed will reign on.

LOUIS
(quietly) What the entire fuck?

FIORALBA
Boyewtwed.

She gestures to the posters.

FIORALBA
Bring your wife to work days. Get with the program, Lou.

LOUIS
Please, call me Mr. Dumont-Anne.

FIORALBA
Yeah, you know what? You know what, Lou? You know who owns the store? Who owns this establishment? Who has their gorgeous wife able to be here 24/7 by the end of this week? A person who's not a fricken' butthole with breath that smells like aged cheese. Bye.

She walks off.

INT. BACK ROOM

FIORALBA
It's important to show your employees that you can verbally decimate them without swearing in the workplace. Pow. Boom, baby. I'm gonna get to see my wife so much.

 

 

 

((this is mostly just me trying to figure out how to format scripts in here, but!! have a sitcom script that will probably never be finished!! theres still like 4 other characters that have yet to be introduced, but hey. As The Circle Of Character Life Continues, They Will Inevitably Be Recycled And Born Anew)

Edited by conradbirdie
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current number of classic lit characters ive gone out of my way to project on and reason out why they might be gay: 8

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15 hours ago, drowntown said:

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH OH MY GOD

KSVDKBKFG B L E S S


current number of classic lit characters ive gone out of my way to project on and reason out why they might be gay: 8

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i showed this to my datemate and they said it was the most impressive thing they've ever read


holla holla get dolla

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FUCKIN ICONIC though it does remind me a lot of The Office and Parks and Rec, though that could just be the whole breaking the 4th wall thing

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Not quite sure where I'm going, but I'm going somewhere, that's for sure.

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1 minute ago, Short_comedian said:

FUCKIN ICONIC though it does remind me a lot of The Office and Parks and Rec, though that could just be the whole breaking the 4th wall thing

yeah, like halfway through i realized that having any sort of confessional scenes would make it very. Cliched, The Office And Parks And Rec Both Feel Simultaneously Ripped Off, but then i also realized the script would never be finished so i can do whatever i want!! freedom lies in the writers block lmao


current number of classic lit characters ive gone out of my way to project on and reason out why they might be gay: 8

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On 1/13/2018 at 1:59 PM, drowntown said:

i showed this to my datemate and they said it was the most impressive thing they've ever read

YO WHAT THE FUCK I DIDNT SEE THIS UNTIL NOW?? TELL CLARK I OWE THEM MY LIFE THATS AN A M A Z I N G COMPLIMENT

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current number of classic lit characters ive gone out of my way to project on and reason out why they might be gay: 8

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On 1/12/2018 at 8:16 PM, conradbirdie said:

Pow. Boom, baby. I'm gonna get to see my wife so much.

I love all of this so much but this one part oh my god


respect existence or expect resistance

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