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X_of_Coins

Kindest love (PLEASE READ AND SAY SOMETHING!)

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He is

The salty grey fog rolling in from the deepest regions of the Alantic

Yet also the underside of summer leaves a Golden green

The loud and proud religious notes of an Organ

Beautiful if played properly 

A smile so kind and sincer it rivals the sun in warmth 

Eyes a color,  none compares too

As if glass hanging from a sill

My own joyful rainbows 

Laughter that sounds like wind chimes and song birds

Embraces that melt everything to mist 

And mist to air

A voice smooth and intelligent 

Itself a brook warbling through the woods

He is

Light shining from the sky like Orion's belt

Bow poised directly at my heart 

Arrow notched with love light 

Ensnaring my soul in a vice

Never to let go

For he is my kindest love

 

 

--

Note:

So I want to put this in a contes however a NOT asking my mother for advise on this one... Like I read the first line with out the He Is and shes like "is it a love poem?" no not happening so do that word ,that I cant spell or pronounce  but I know it exists the heck out of this. And tell me I did not screw it up after the organ part because I kind of think I did but it would be crushing   

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Okay I don’t have a lot of time right now to critique this like really well but I totally will I promise just like @ me later if I still haven’t. This is beautiful, love the word choice. I’m coming back. 

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Okay I’m back with some time on my hands so imma get into this

first of all, B E A U T I F U L description. Your word choice really works for the general vibe I’m getting from this poem. 

On 1/27/2018 at 1:09 PM, X_of_Coins said:

Yet also the underside of summer leaves a Golden green

I’d put at least a comma in? Maybe even a line break? Idk. Distinguish summer leaves from /a golden green. It just doesn’t flow quite the way I think you want it to. Also, Golden and Organ are the only words capitalized mid-line that wouldn’t normally be (like Orion) and I totally get it if that’s a style thing. If it is, do more so people can tell, bc it’s just in those two lines right next to each other and nowhere else in the poem. 

On 1/27/2018 at 1:09 PM, X_of_Coins said:

A smile so kind and sincer it rivals the sun in warmth 

Sincere* 

On 1/27/2018 at 1:09 PM, X_of_Coins said:

Eyes a color,  none compares too

There’s an extra space after the comma after color, to*

On 1/27/2018 at 1:09 PM, X_of_Coins said:

As if glass hanging from a sill

I really like how this line sounds, and I’m guessing you’re referring to his eyes, but you may want to clean up the hanging from a sill bit. It’s just not very clear. Why does the glass hanging from a sill  look any different from the glass in the window? 

On 1/27/2018 at 1:09 PM, X_of_Coins said:

Embraces that melt everything to mist 

And mist to air

Maybe merge these into one line, with a comma? It works as two separate lines, it might just fall more in the rhythm of your poem if it’s on one.

On 1/27/2018 at 1:09 PM, X_of_Coins said:

Light shining from the sky like Orion's belt

Bow poised directly at my heart 

Arrow notched with love light 

Ensnaring my soul in a vice

K I’m a sucker for mythology references like this. Good one.

and as requested, I’m telling you that you didn’t screw it up after the organ part.

Go win that contest!

queenie out

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I shall fix the spots! Glass hanging from a sill should be 

Like a/as if  Prisms hanging from a sill. My phone just really didn't like the word and this is the first time it's not changed to glass.  I'll say more when I have time but anyway thank you :)

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quennie said all the things I was thinking (and more) so I'll just tell ya that you did NOT screw up after the organ part and it is BEAUTIFUL so go & win !!

if you do, tell us, because we're anxious to know!!

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