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the beast inside me is familiar

so familiar i don't always notice it's there

so familiar that even dormant, it's present

so familiar that breathing gets hard and i just accept it

 

the first clue:

toes twitching

the second clue:

teeth grinding

the third clue:

shoulders rising

 

the indisputable evidence is when i can't

breathe

when i can't

sleep

 

(the latter is common. the former builds on itself.)

 

my parents think i'm overdramatic

(it's because i am, but i know this is real)

'there's lots of things you can find to reinforce your assumption', says my mother

you don't understand

i am intimately acquainted with every symptom

 

it's ok. i accept it.

(eyes open at night, brain bleeding with exhaustion, heart pounding with frustration:

it's ok that sometimes i don't sleep.

it's ok.

i'm fine.)

 

 

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you can do this. and if you can’t sleep, there’s plenty of us here to keep you company. Or like, on the rest of the internet. Even irl friends you can talk to. Just talk to someone. 

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1 minute ago, queenie_flower said:

you can do this. and if you can’t sleep, there’s plenty of us here to keep you company. Or like, on the rest of the internet. Even irl friends you can talk to. Just talk to someone. 

thank you for your support. hopefully sleeping won't be an issue tonight but usually when it is i just give up and read for a while. my anxiety isn't all that bad, considering, and the breathing thing usually only happens when i'm a fool and decide to have caffeine, but i've had a stressful day and i just sort of needed to vent a little. (although, ok, the thing about the symptoms? i was online looking up anxiety and i was just going down the list like, 'worried about everything? yep. sleep problems? check. irrational phobias? uh huh. jumpy for no reason? yes. trouble focusing? oh boy'. but yeah i am a little worried the poem made everything sound worse than it is because my anxiety is at a pretty manageable level and i know it can be a lot worse for a lot of people.)

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