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"oh, how do you two know each other?"

"you introduced us"

"oh right...."


respect existence or expect resistance

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"God I gotta do something about all these ones in my wallet"

"Go to a strip club"

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"Hey can you give me the tablet"

"You have the exact same one and we're chatting on the same app."

"Well I like the case for yours"

"ONLY BECAUSE YOURS HAS A KETCHUP STAIN THAT WAS YOUR FAULT"

(two little kids on the couch at the ymca today...)

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"If the lord gave you selfies, why wouldn't he let you take them in his house?"

 

"I don't want any! FUCK bread!"

 

"You don't like french fries you don't get an opinion."

 

"Will you be my barbecue dad?"

"I'll be your barbecue daddy."

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*emphatically* “It’s not an eggplant!!” *sulkily* “it’s a caterpillar....”

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"it's past my Bed time so let's get Drunk!" Said by a already very drunk dude at 6:00pm.

 

I heard that last week and I'm still laughing at it... 

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