Jump to content
Attention, CICADA community!
  • It’s time to say goodbye—the community at cicadamag.com is now closed. Learn more...

Recommended Posts

Posted (edited)

*I'm still super insecure about this and I feel like I'm being too dramatic...but whatever, I'm gonna post it before I talk myself out of it*


it was a bunch of little things, really.

all compounded into one.


little things like unconsciously buying a bunch of rainbow clothes

and not realizing what I was doing until my sister made fun of me for it.


like letting out a sigh of relief when my pastor talked about acceptance.


like wanting with all my heart to go to pride

and grinning uncontrollably when I think about painting my face rainbow.


like watching the video of same-sex marriage being legalized in Australia,

and crying when they break out into song, even though I don't live there.


like silently envying this one gay girl in my grade,

because she's so open about it and why can't I be that sure of myself?


like falling in love with hayley kiyoko over and over

as I listen to girls like girls on repeat.


like seeing love, simon in the theater and sobbing so much my makeup came off,

so much I had to hide my face and tell myself to breathe,

so much I felt like an idiot but at the same time I was beaming because how is this movie even real?


like beaming when my friend came out as ace in a sort of roundabout way,

and finally feeling comfortable telling her I'm questioning

because I know she'll understand.


like caving in and doing that stupid "am I gay" google search

and getting frustrated at the idiotic quizzes that are only based on stereotypes

but taking more and more until I get a gay enough result.


like never having been in a relationship before

so not even knowing what to expect from someone of any gender.


like realizing that all my past male crushes were probably a mix of comp het

and latching onto anyone who actually tolerated my socially anxious self.


like not thinking many male actors are that attractive

but conditioning myself to react well when my friends show me pictures,

and whenever I see a guy I consciously ask myself if I think he's cute

until it gets to the point where I don't know what's instinct and what's real.


like the same thing happening with girls.


like never knowing if I actually find someone attractive or not because my brain

automatically goes down that path, just because I've questioned it so much.


like "falling in love" with one of my best friends two years ago

and not being able to tell if it was a friend crush or whatever for such a long time.


like still thinking about holding her hand

but then scolding myself, rebuking myself,

invalidating myself.


"what if you're lying?"

"what if you're actually straight and just being stupid?"

"what if you come out as queer but it turns out you're not and you look like a complete idiot?"


because I'm making a huge deal about this

and I'm so confused

and I want it to be over

and I want to come out

but I don't know what to come out as.


I hope that all these little things amount to something bigger,

but I've unknowingly trained myself to doubt everything.

I keep making this harder for myself,

and I'm just so lost.


so here's to more little things that might finally tell me who I am.

Edited by writeandleft
  • Like 1

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

I kinda want to cry right now this is literally how I feel all of the time. Thank you so much, I honestly can't even put into words how amazing it is to know someone else feels the same way.

Also wow I've caved in many times for the "am i gay" google search, and you're right it's always super stereotypical. Hooray for buzzfeed, I guess.

respect existence or expect resistance

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

take your time. it took me forever because of religious bullshit. youll get there <3

holla holla get dolla

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

The stanza with the quotes? I told myself the exact same things. I remember in fourth grade having a crush on a girl and telling myself I was lying to myself. I told myself that all the way until this year. And I was scared to come out for the same reason! But I think I've figured it out now; you'll get there too.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

hey ok so this? 

13 hours ago, writeandleft said:

"what if you're lying?"

"what if you're actually straight and just being stupid?"

"what if you come out as queer but it turns out you're not and you look like a complete idiot?"

this is something i struggled with big time when i was trying to figure out who i was. i was afraid to identify because what if i was wrong? what if i was (for lack of a better word) 'appropriating' the identity? i have since come out to myself and to others and my advice to you is this: you aren't lying to anyone, you're not appropriating any identities, and you aren't hurting anyone. feel free to identify. say, "i'm bi" or "i'm a lesbian". or any other term you think might be right. try out that label for a while. see how it fits. if it doesn't, return it to the store and try on something else. maybe it wasn't you but at least you learned from it. it's not a huge deal. and if it does fit, then that's all the better, because now you know yourself better than before. people talk about coming out a lot and how much of a challenge it is but what isn't talked about is just how hard it is to come out to yourself. so take your time, don't worry about anyone else, and consider coming out to yourself, even if for just a little while, even if in the end it turns out you were wrong. it's not a lie. it's just another step towards discovering who you are. 

identity is a challenging concept no matter the subject. i hope you find yourself eventually and we're here for you in the meantime. <3

  • Like 2

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites