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somewhereoutthere

embittered

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sometimes when i read i can feel

the voices riding

over my own

that's why, honestly

i only read at night because even though i love reading

my identity is fragile enough that someone else can

overrun it.

 

sometimes,

when you give me advice it's like an asteroid

slamming into the fiery surface of my

forming planet

splashing another hole of lava

gaping

where before there was cooling crust

you embed

a part of my new geology

 

sometimes when you give me your opinion

on my not-enoughness i collapse

and everything i thought was true is

no longer there anymore

a tunnel of doubt

maybe it's good for me but i just want to cool

be stable always knowing and solid

maybe that's wrong

i don't know

 

sometimes, on bad days

one little comment changes everything

but i don't blame you for using your voice

if i get that right too

i guess i'm willing to suffer for it

 

sometimes, i know

i'm mimicking, and i do it anyhow

somewhat convinced that there are studies in psychology holding validation

but this is conscious

an easy way to earn your love

a shameful habit i cannot squash

people are willing to accept me better,

if i echo their voice; feeling sick inside as i watch myself

than if i close my eyes

wipe them away

and stare at nothingness, trying to locate the lonely planet known as myself

 

then,

some other days i don't care

a growing wall of solidity

the positive comments excite me

i love the way words rush out of me and maybe i'll collapse when another asteroid comes through,

but i feel now

as though i am

watching the comets from down below on soft grass sprinkled with dew

and the water

it's just water

those stars in the sky are just other stars

doesn't have to mean anything about me

but i can behold their sparkles in the night, this night

i think

and reach forth hopefully into oblivion

 

 

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Typo: title was meant to be "voices" and I went onto autopilot. Embittered was actually the title of something else I'm in the middle of writing.

I can't figure out how to edit posts I've already written, so I'm stuck writing this in the comments section. Could someone help me on that?

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