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  • It’s time to say goodbye—the community at cicadamag.com is now closed. Learn more...
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you leave suddenly

like a brick pulling out from beneath me

didn't realize how this would feel

i followed my life like i follow stories

until i snapped back to reality

at the very end of it

and it's harder when pain hits

all at once.

 

i have grown used to you

building me up,

making me laugh

when i couldn't breathe,

you made that feeling better

texts coming in a couple times a day

even if i don't have the time to make my responses do

much more than suck,

usually

didn't know how to fathom the way you would

vanish

i wobble as my world

tilts

like a jenga tower with

one brick pulled out

i did not realize how it would feel to be left

reaching for something beyond your emptiness

you made me feel tall

beautiful, happy, loved

and seen.

did you intend to do that?

 

should not have called this happiness mine because you gave it to

me

all of this never could have happened if you hadn't

built me up

i wish i could have thanked you

said something

found true, constant words for what you mean

before

i felt the void of your shape

stable and aching

unfillable by anything but what is past out the window

wish something could take me back to memories

that some days

i just want to bury myself in

rather than

face a shaky present

 

before we the part was final

barely holding

i became highly acquainted with memory

 

i think love is not just noticing when something is there

but feeling all the moments when

it is gone

because you meant something

something i stood upon.

 

This is for a lot of people, but part of this is about Cicada closing down.

I know I haven't been posting long, but thank you Cicada for giving me a place to post my writing where people I don't even know can see it. I've sort of grown used to how wacky and creative this place is, and normal, physical life is orderly and rule-following and nothing like that.

Before now, the only people who read my work was basically my mum. And the occasional interested relative or teacher. I know I'm not that important here, but it still feels good to read through the view numbers on my poems, and feel like someone has read my work. I was afraid to start posting when I signed up in February, but I wish I could have started posting sooner.

@bluebird , @The Invincible Troodon, @WanderingMonster, thank you for liking my work (and if there's anyone I'm forgetting, thank you too). All the people who showed up as views and didn't like: thank you for reading it. Even if you didn't like it--even in spirit, rather than in digital reaction, the fact that you took the time to read it means something to me.

I don't know if any of you care, but in case you do, I'm going to keep posting on the Cicada 3.0 website after I can't post here any longer (cicadamagarchive.home.blog) by the same username.

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