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Uncertain Friendship

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I sit here and watch you. Watch as you talk with your friends, laugh with your friends, about some inside joke that I have no hope of understanding without a lengthy explanation that you probably don't want to give.

I watch you and wonder how it would have been if I hadn't left. Would I be part of your group, or would we have grown apart? Would I be there to talk to and laugh with? Or would I be just as lonely?

I'm not very good at being social. I don't know if that's because I'm shy or if it's a skill I've lost, but making friends is hard. Awkward. Everywhere I go, I feel like an outsider, unless it's just you and me.

Do you feel the same way I do, when I talk about my other 'friends'? Sometimes I want to make you feel jealous, but then I feel guilty. You do it to me, though. Without meaning to, I hope, but then I wonder.

Do you ever get tired of me? Am I just an obligation, someone you talk to just because you have to? Or is it something you actually enjoy?

Maybe this is my fault. I'm weird. I don't dress like you, or your friends. Maybe you're worried that your friends will think I'm strange. Maybe you're embarrassed by me. Or maybe I'm just too insecure.

The thing is, if you're gone I have no one left. No one to talk to, to laugh with. No one who I'll be certain actually cares.

The boy to your left, I've forgotten his name, gestures and you laugh. Even if I tried I couldn't break that group. I wouldn't try, anyway. I don't want to be clingy, like that one girl you always talk about. You should have other friends. So should I, even if I don't.

You stand now. Walk back to me. Smile. Laugh. My worries may not be gone, but I can't see them anymore. For now, you're here, and that's all that matters.  

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