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Guest benny

from somewhere inside of me it calls (tw: body dysphoria & slight gore)

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Guest benny

I avoid mirrors now and I try not to look at myself in reflections, but when I am sitting across from the window, across from myself it is hard not to stare. But unlike the people sitting next to me who say they see a beautiful w*man I see a monster inside my skin, like a snake-human but something worse. I see extremes. My scarred and battered legs, beyond ugly. My gentle, petite arms, too soft. And as much as I say I hate myself now, there is something within me pulling and tugging and aching to get out, something that says "it will get better, it will not last." But it is deep and covered in tissue, muscle, blood and bones. I know it can only be freed by waiting, that the only key is patience but sometimes I just want to rip out that light, bring it to the surface. I want to tear through the muscle and bones that entrap it and hold it out for the world to see, my bloodied hands high and proud. I want to yell that I did it, let my throat become raw and aching, let my voice be the only thing to hear. 

I want to stand.  

But I cannot. I will sit. I will wait. And I will continue on.

 

Author's Note: i've been struggling a lot with a whole host of things but the main thing is body dysphoria! and shopping for clothes that i want that couldmake me more androgynous does! not! help! but i can't stop! 

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