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Ainm

a week

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i.

on the chaos scale this week has been 
a train wreck colliding with dragons

add some atomic bombs
you say and we laugh because 

        what else do you do
        what else do you do

ii.

i am clinging to the last shreds of my sanity 
existing in repetitions and handfuls 

        white   white          blue     pink    green
        oval     diamond    oval     circle   circle

a discovery: these things meant to heal 
occasionally make everything worse

iii. 

        there will be brighter days
        there will be there must be

believe because it is mandatory 
regardless of whether it is true

how else am i to be a pillar when
everyone i know is crumbling
 

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okie dokie i meant to come around to this yesterday but better late than never sdkfjsdfs

usual disclaimer: i suck at critiquing pls dont take me seriously so here we go

19 hours ago, Ainm said:

add some atomic bombs
you say and we laugh because 

        what else do you do

this entire first stanza took a couple readings (because im tired probably) before it sank in and i always love it when there are quotes that arent immediately identifiable as quotes (the repetition of 'what else do you do' read kind of despairing/dissociative to me and it changed the tone of the poem immediately which was an incredible whiplash from lighthearted to sad)

19 hours ago, Ainm said:

i am clinging to the last shreds of my sanity 
existing in repetitions and handfuls 

the second line here is probably one of my favorites out of the whole poem, but 'last shreds of my sanity' sounds a little cliche compared to the rest of everything else?? that's not to say i don't like it it's just differently toned

19 hours ago, Ainm said:

white   white          blue     pink    green
        oval     diamond    oval     circle   circle

a discovery: these things meant to heal 
occasionally make everything worse

i feel like the colors and shapes listed belong to a reference im not getting??? idk maybe it's not supposed to make sense bc of the previous last shreds of sanity/repetitions and handfuls lines?

hmmmm as im reading into this i didn't quite get the relation of the first two selected to the last two selected but suddenly my brain goes 'what do antidepressants/anxiety meds look like' and. yeah That. idk it took me a bit and im still not entirely sure that's what you meant (commentary on side effects?)

19 hours ago, Ainm said:

believe because it is mandatory

i really, really loved this line idk why but it's Good

19 hours ago, Ainm said:

how else am i to be a pillar when
everyone i know is crumbling

this is kind of super nitpicky but ending with a question mark would feel more final to me ? i don't know sdkjfdfs

 

overall 11/10 poem somber tone good poetic voice thank u for sharing it <3


holla holla get dolla

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26 minutes ago, woundedBirds said:

'last shreds of my sanity' sounds a little cliche compared to the rest of everything else

In retrospect, I completely agree with you. This is something I could say differently and something I'll definitely revise.

27 minutes ago, woundedBirds said:

'what do antidepressants/anxiety meds look like'

Hit the nail on the head, there. The repetitions/handfuls line refers to handfuls of pills - mostly psychotropic, but also for migraines and the like. Possibly might change that to "repetitions and handfuls of", if it's too confusing. (I mean, some confusion is good, but I like people actually being able to get things out of my poems.) 

30 minutes ago, woundedBirds said:

(commentary on side effects?)

Yup, and a commentary on how some medications (usually psychotropic ones) can sometimes have paradoxical effects, in that they produce a reaction that is the opposite thing of what you would want to happen. As in, an anti-anxiety drug making you more anxious or a mood stabilizer making one's mood less stable. 

33 minutes ago, woundedBirds said:

ending with a question mark would feel more final to me

As a rule, I don't use question marks in my poetry, and I don't really like my poems to feel as though they've ended. I like it when an unsettled, uncomfortable, unfinished feeling sticks with my readers.

38 minutes ago, woundedBirds said:

usual disclaimer: i suck at critiquing pls dont take me seriously so here we go

Thank you so much for your critiques and feedback! Fact: you do not suck at critiquing, because (a) good critiques are a skill that everyone is constantly learning and (b) all feedback and reactions are legitimate.

Final note: I am honestly surprised you got as much out of my semi-cryptic poetry as you did. I am the deity of obfuscation.

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On 11/18/2017 at 8:43 PM, Ainm said:

you say and we laugh because 

        what else do you do
        what else do you do

HAHA im not crying, just something in my eye. that refrain. seriously choked me right up. haha.

 

On 11/18/2017 at 8:43 PM, Ainm said:

on the chaos scale this week has been 
a train wreck colliding with dragons

i love the phrase "the chaos scale" but i might suggest adding punctuation to this whole poem to bring some clarification. i would probably add the punctuation to everything except the repeating lines.

i agree with @woundedbirds on the second stanza's first two lines. i got the pill illustration, and i find it beautiful and well done. those who don't take them probably won't get it, and will be waving their arms over it, but it's actually subtle and lovely and well done. i like the way those last two lines are phrased.

on the quote below, i'm not completely sure that we get this. we are told this, but not really shown how they make everything worse. ik this is important to you, but idk if this even needs to be in the poem. it could be a poem about needing pills, taking pills, and needing/taking pills, rather than the side effects... 

On 11/18/2017 at 8:43 PM, Ainm said:

 

a discovery: these things meant to heal 
occasionally make everything worse

 

On 11/18/2017 at 8:43 PM, Ainm said:

iii. 

        there will be brighter days
        there will be there must be

believe because it is mandatory 
regardless of whether it is true

how else am i to be a pillar when
everyone i know is crumbling
 

again, punctuation throughout this poem would be helpful. otherwise i have to reread it to figure out what word goes with which. once i do, i reeeeeeeaallly love the way it's written for rhythm and tone. and those lines!!!! dude!!!!! "believe because it is mandatory" DAMN and the last two! gaaah! 

5 hours ago, Ainm said:

As a rule, I don't use question marks in my poetry, and I don't really like my poems to feel as though they've ended. I like it when an unsettled, uncomfortable, unfinished feeling sticks with my readers.

finally, i like the lack of question mark, bc these kinds of questions are rhetorical, more of a statement, and i like it that way. so i guess my punctuation comment does not include everything.

babe. this is haunting and beautifully written. seriously, i feel it in my chest. thank you for this. xxx


mouse / she/her.

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15 minutes ago, mouse said:

again, punctuation throughout this poem would be helpful.

I practically have an allergy to punctuation, and I really need to work on that. Also, thank you so much for your feedback! (It really means the world.) I shall continue revising. :) 

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