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thepensword

ocean canvas

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i want my paint the color of the sea
i want the salt blood and the brined lungs 
i want the bird-cry voice and the dull gritty crunch between teeth.
i want the ocean on my canvas and i want it to feel like freedom
i want the marsh grass
scritch scratch grass and murky, boggy mud
i want bird wings as delicate strokes
small white dots that aren’t clouds
pieces of sea foam detached from the sea
free spirit and flashing, splashing silver
wriggling and swimming and sparkling scales
i want the underwater flight and the midair swimming
floating through air or water, what’s the difference 
i want paint the color of the sky on a clear day
the color of the wind rushing, roaring, blowing
hair caught and flung like kite strings 
and the kite flutters away in the wings of the gulls
i want the waves on the end of my paintbrush 
i want the ocean on my canvas
i want a moving portrait of the sea.

 

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first order of business: holy shit.
second order of business: ocean aesthetic is my JAM
third order of business: i am so bad at critiquing please don't take me seriously ever sdkfjsdfs at the end of the day it's your poem/choice do not be afraid to say 'fuck that noise' and keep it the way it is bc it's so fucking good that way already

3 hours ago, thepensword said:

the dull gritty crunch between teeth.

THIS THIS THIS OMFG this was the most vivid part of the poem in my opinion

3 hours ago, thepensword said:

i want the marsh grass

my poetry teacher is a fan of telling me that words are currency and that each line should be its own sort of poetic, and this line was a good segue into the next one (if a little abrupt after two longer lines) but it didn't have the punch that some of the other ones did..... i think it'd have more oomph if you broke it at 'i want the marsh grass, scritch scratch grass'

3 hours ago, thepensword said:

small white dots that aren’t clouds

this line was a little confusing to me bc my brain didn't make the immediate connection to sea foam.... i was still thinking about painting birds and this bit didn't quite make sense?? but i read through a couple times and i think this is referring to sea foam so idk

3 hours ago, thepensword said:

free spirit and flashing, splashing silver
wriggling and swimming and sparkling scales

i LOVE how you dont even have to say fish

3 hours ago, thepensword said:

hair caught and flung like kite strings 

this is such a good line omfg i love it so much....like this imagery is so powerful i just. whoa

3 hours ago, thepensword said:

i want the waves on the end of my paintbrush 
i want the ocean on my canvas
i want a moving portrait of the sea.

this is such a good end to the poem i love the repetition with the beginning :0

 

time for nitpick things: punctuation! there was little to no end punctuation throughout your poem except for in the third and last lines, and i am absolutely for ending a poem with a period for that sense of finality, but the third line threw me.... if anything, it drew my attention to that line in particular (one of my favorite lines, actually) but the lack of consistency felt a bit off. it's a really little thing that doesn't matter much in the long run but it's something to think about :0

 

overall 11/10 poem, thank u for sharing it and pls (pls) keep writing omfg

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holla holla get dolla

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14 minutes ago, woundedBirds said:

first order of business: holy shit.
second order of business: ocean aesthetic is my JAM
third order of business: i am so bad at critiquing please don't take me seriously ever sdkfjsdfs at the end of the day it's your poem/choice do not be afraid to say 'fuck that noise' and keep it the way it is bc it's so fucking good that way already

THIS THIS THIS OMFG this was the most vivid part of the poem in my opinion

my poetry teacher is a fan of telling me that words are currency and that each line should be its own sort of poetic, and this line was a good segue into the next one (if a little abrupt after two longer lines) but it didn't have the punch that some of the other ones did..... i think it'd have more oomph if you broke it at 'i want the marsh grass, scritch scratch grass'

this line was a little confusing to me bc my brain didn't make the immediate connection to sea foam.... i was still thinking about painting birds and this bit didn't quite make sense?? but i read through a couple times and i think this is referring to sea foam so idk

i LOVE how you dont even have to say fish

this is such a good line omfg i love it so much....like this imagery is so powerful i just. whoa

this is such a good end to the poem i love the repetition with the beginning :0

 

time for nitpick things: punctuation! there was little to no end punctuation throughout your poem except for in the third and last lines, and i am absolutely for ending a poem with a period for that sense of finality, but the third line threw me.... if anything, it drew my attention to that line in particular (one of my favorite lines, actually) but the lack of consistency felt a bit off. it's a really little thing that doesn't matter much in the long run but it's something to think about :0

 

overall 11/10 poem, thank u for sharing it and pls (pls) keep writing omfg

Mmph thank you so much! It’s been a boring day stuck in the car so it was really great to get this feedback!

Yeah the marsh grass line bothers me too so I’ll probably tweak it somehow.

About the “white dots”...what if they’re the birds AND the sea? I don’t know how well I conveyed this but the “pieces of sea foam detached from the sea” was attempting to still represent the birds.

Yeah the ending...I don’t know, I usually don’t want to put punctuality on my poems because I think it interrupts the flow of my writing, but then I’m always left staring at the final sentence and feeling like it needs a note of finality so I always stick on that period as an afterthought. It doesn’t really work for me, which I thought was just a me thing, but I guess if it ALSO doesn’t work for you I can go with my initial instinct and just remove it.

Again, thank you so much for the feedback! I just want to mention that I’ve read a few of your works and they’re AMAZING.

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3 minutes ago, thepensword said:

but I guess if it ALSO doesn’t work for you I can go with my initial instinct and just remove it

nono i like the end period on the last line but it was the one in

 

3 hours ago, thepensword said:

i want the bird-cry voice and the dull gritty crunch between teeth.

that didn't flow with the rest of the poem bc there were no other periods in the direct vicinity?? idk but yay im glad you liked the feedback!! (also thank u omg ;w;)

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holla holla get dolla

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1 minute ago, woundedBirds said:

nono i like the end period on the last line but it was the one in

 

that didn't flow with the rest of the poem bc there were no other periods in the direct vicinity?? idk but yay im glad you liked the feedback!! (also thank u omg ;w;)

Uh wow I didn’t even see I put that in there so thanks for pointing it out.

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