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queenie_flower

mental tripwires

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The lines keep crossing in my head

Where you end and begin.

So I keep telling myself

that if dreams were prophetic I would have died a hundred thousand deaths

(But that dream definitely wasn’t death).

 

I know that it wasn’t really your hands,

With the calluses on your fingertips,

And your musician’s fingers.

It wasn’t those hands that skimmed my jaw,

That tangled in my hair.

 

The lines you said aloud are tripping over what you really say,

Anything you would actually say to me.

I am aware that while you might push me--

Gently, jokingly, defensively--

I am aware of how your hands feel against my shoulders.

It wasn’t those hands that pushed me against the wall.

 

Now any time I see you the lines get crossed,

And I keep insisting that it was only a dream.

That you will never know

(You'll think your sparring partner is insane)

I will not trip over the wires in my head

For then I might fall

 

 

note: *screams* This is getting ridiculous.

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19 minutes ago, queenie_flower said:

pls come help me bc this feels so unfinished

I was summoned! (cackles maniacally) Alright, let's see what we've got.

43 minutes ago, queenie_flower said:

if dreams were prophetic I would have died a hundred thousand deaths

This is a really good line. I would honestly suggest cutting the rest of your first stanza and opening with this, possibly with a line break after "prophetic".

45 minutes ago, queenie_flower said:

I know that it wasn’t really your hands,

With the calluses on your fingertips,

And your musician’s fingers.

I think that this could be compressed into 

51 minutes ago, queenie_flower said:

I know that it wasn’t really your

calloused fingers, musician's

hands that skimmed my jaw

tangled in my hair

or something similar. Mentioning hands, fingertips, and fingers feels a little redundant. Also, I am all for cutting out excess words and compressing things as much as possible. I feel like in poetry, we have a small word quota, and it's important to use each and every word deliberately. (This is probably a stylistic me thing, though.)

1 hour ago, queenie_flower said:

The lines you said aloud are tripping over what you really say,

Anything you would actually say to me.

Maybe change to "the lines you say aloud are tripping over reality"?

1 hour ago, queenie_flower said:

I am aware that while you might push me--

Gently, jokingly, defensively--

I am aware of how your hands feel against my shoulders.

It wasn’t those hands that pushed me against the wall.

I'm not sure if this example is necessary to make your point. (I think that statements without elaboration are more the style that this poem is headed for, but again, possibly a me thing.)

1 hour ago, queenie_flower said:

Now any time I see you the lines get crossed,

And I keep insisting that it was only a dream.

I'd suggest changing this section to "the lines get crossed / (it was only a dream) / you will never know".

1 hour ago, queenie_flower said:

(You'll think your sparring partner is insane)

I think introducing the idea of sparring/similar imagery earlier in the poem might make this line more effective. (I love the word "sparring", because it sounds almost like "sparing", which is completely different but almost the same.)

1 hour ago, queenie_flower said:

I will not trip over the wires in my head

For then I might fall

This could be changed simply to "I will not trip / for then I might fall", which could loop back either to sparring or to the idea of trip-lines/wires. 

Finally: this sounds like a hellishly complicated social/mental situation... I hope that clarifies for you. (I probably ought to offer advice, because I'm an older Slammer with life experience and all that, but I'm also a socially awkward human, so I may not be your best bet. :P)

And per usual, let me know if you have any questions about my feedback. Also, if you want to post a revised version of the poem here, I am down to read and critique that too. :) 


ᚐᚅᚋ

 

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Oh YES you actually showed up you don’t understand I respect you so much this is great

Update: so quotes aren’t working for me today. I’m just gonna hit you point by point.

k so I agree with the fact that mentioning all three (hands, fingers, fingetips) seems redundant, which is a thing I do occasionally, to show different parts of the same thing. I agree that here isn’t the place though. 

i posted this way too quickly, and it was for some reason one of the sketchier drafts I had done? I edited the line to “reality” before I submitted but then like the page glitched and this one submitted? Idk. It’s supposed to say reality, in any case. 

The sparring partner phrase is a reference to another poem I wrote (and posted here, “stabs from toothpick swords” if y’all wanna see it)

and lastly, it’s not quite as “hellishly complicated” as it sounds. I think.

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