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or, In Which I Learned it is Not Impossible for Someone to Fall in Love with Me

 

Chapter One:

In which you came out

to your best friend in the world

as offhandedly as you possibly could,

and I said

I know

with a grin

because I have always been able to read you.


Chapter Two:

In which the letters began

with everything

and anything

we didn’t know about the other crammed inside,

Literally, in my case.

I began to wait for your horrified text when you would find

five folded pages in a letter,

when you told me

You’re just wasting paper


Chapter Three:

In which our letters weren’t enough

and so we would text each other for

hours

at a time.

And you laughed at bad jokes

and asked me what boy I liked,

and laughed when I told you who,

but your laugh had an edge.

You would look at me

just a little too long

too often,

and I said

She’s my best friend and

just because she likes girls doesn’t mean she likes you

and other things that were true.


Chapter Four:

In which your texts began to say

I’m thinking of you,

and you’d have nothing else to say.

And you could be halfway around the world

but you’d stay up too late to tell me

The water today reminded me of you,

And I would say

You’re sweet

and one day I told you that our friend liked the same boy as me

(a petty drama)

and I repeated to you that

you were my best friend.

You did not reply.

Chapter Five:
In which you responded

and returned from the West Coast

with gifts

for us all,
and I wrote you

again,
even though we saw each other

every day.
In which you told me to

just tell the boy,
that

he’d be stupid not to like me,
and I refused

for the sake of my friend.

Chapter Six:
In which you
teased and
hinted
until I gave in and just told.
Not him, her.
She thought I was joking until it hit her
I wasn’t.
I told you it was over,
that I had done it,
and you seemed relieved.

Chapter Seven:
In which you talked to him

because you’d known him for ages,
and I prayed you hadn’t told him

how I felt about
his beautiful eyes and
laugh like sunshine
because I wanted our friend to have a
better chance
than me

because I believed that she already did.
You asked if you could talk about me at all,
I said obviously.
You told me that’s what you’d been talking about together.

Chapter Eight:
In which I choked on the air I inhaled so badly

I had to leave.

So I batted your hands
and his stunned gaze
away from me,
because I didn’t want the pity
of anyone whose opinions mattered
so much to me.

Chapter Nine:
In which you had a
terrible,
horrible

week
and texted me in a panic,
and I didn’t hug you
because you never liked hugs

from anyone,
but then

you asked me for one.
And so I hugged you on purpose

for the first time,
and you pretended you were fine.

Chapter Ten:
In which you looped

your fingers

through mine

while we ate
and I allowed it
because you wanted to be more comfortable with casual touch
and I didn’t doubt it was anything
more.

Chapter Eleven:
In which I considered the impossible,
in which friends began to act strange around me,
cautious,
tiptoeing around corners of conversation
and jumping when I mentioned your name.

Chapter Twelve:
In which I got sick,
and you got mad

when I couldn’t come back

for full days at a time,
when you got angry

about my doctors appointments,
when I became worried about you

as I fell apart.

Chapter Thirteen:
In which I finally found the impossible was reality.

Chapter Fourteen:
In which I was confused,
and poured my consciousness into pages.

Chapter Fifteen:
In which I made a mistake,
the mouse slipped,
the cat ran out of the bag after it,
and our friends saw.

Chapter Sixteen:
In which you saw,

and suddenly you had no words to say back.

Chapter Seventeen:
In which another friend confronted me,
and told me that

she knew and
how I could I not have,
I read that girl like a book.
In which I didn’t cry,
but I tried to take back what I said,
to make it how it was before,
to grab her hand

as I watched her falling away from me.

Chapter Eighteen:
In which I blamed myself,
as usual.
I didn’t believe her
because I didn’t believe the impossible
could ever happen to me.

Chapter Nineteen:
In which I knew that I missed her
but didn’t know how to call her back.
I knew there was no going back.

Chapter Twenty:
In which I learned that time and space

hadn’t made this better,
that I hurt you more by looking at you
and calling you my best friend
every day
than I had by not realizing
what you were trying to say.

 

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Note: Is it bad that I'm still writing about this?

also the spacing got weird and I can't fix it. I don't know. Sorry.

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