Aries: Prepare for a big surprise this week when a routine x-ray reveals what you have instead of a skeleton.
Taurus: Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become incantations. Watch your incantations, for they become infernal summoning rituals.
Gemini: It doesn't hurt to shop around! Don't just settle for the first cute person who inflates their throat sac and regurgitates a bit of squid for you.
Cancer: It's time to tackle that big project you've been putting off forever. Get out the shovel and dig the well in the exact spot you dream of every night, to the exact specifications of the terrible whispers that plague your every waking moment.
Leo: You chose your building materials well. Sure, it might not be as strong as bricks, but any big bad wolf would have to stop and wonder exactly what kind of pig lives in a house made of antique dental tools.
Virgo: Usually it’s a bad idea to count your chickens before the eggs have hatched, but you appear to have somehow ended up with exponentially more chickens than eggs—all perfectly identical, perfectly silent, eyes gleaming with ancient hunger.
Libra: You’ve got a lot on your plate this week, so it might be a good time to ask for help. Instead of getting overwhelmed, take a deep breath, write a clear and organized to-do list, and bury it at the crossroads at midnight on a new moon.
Scorpio: You’re a huge sucker for the classics, so you knew from the moment she waltzed into your office with her Monroe smile and Garbo nose and Davis forehead and Bacall elbows that you’d do anything for her. And you have. Such terrible, terrible things. All for her.
Sagittarius: Feel free to fool around until the cows come home, but you’ll regret it. The cows bring with them a terrible reckoning, and we’ll all pay when they come home.
Capricorn: An astrologer read the stars for Capricorn’s horoscope, and they were SHOCKED at what they found!
Aquarius: Some might say you’re looking for love in all the wrong places, but you’re pretty sure you’ll find exactly what you’re after in the peat bogs of Denmark.
Pisces: Everyone remembers that thing you did and they talk about it all the time.