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hayfevered last won the day on July 19

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  1. the job:
    placate 40 screaming children for five hours so the adults could have an Elegant Christmas Soiree
    [read: it was a mansion with a basement full of yelling kids that i was the Supervising Adult for]

    the reality:
    -oh god
    -there were more than fucking 40
    -"why does my coat always smell like vinegar?"
    -there was rice fucking e v e r y w h e re
    -so of course: a child, stuffing a sock with rice- "they'll never suspect us here"
    -the sofas never fuckign stood a chance
    -me: NO JUMPING
    five goddamn children, jumping: SCREEEEEEE
    -henry caught on quickly to Furry Bullshit Jokes apparently
    -me: stop telling me to 'stay' im not a dog
    henry: yes you are
    -will was a fucking MENACE his mom basically went 'make him eat or else' and will just. bounced into the fucking void i guess
    -me: eat your bacon
    will, bouncing on the fucking sofa: YOU DONT CONTROL ME
    -henry is way too fuckign good at foosball for age 7
    -the host: heres your party favor!
    me: oh thanks have a nice night!
    me, later, opening it: HOLY FUUUUUCK
    -(it was a handmade blown glass ornament big as a softball)
    -today on: this lady is fucking rich
    -the house: huge, decorated like a professional was hired to sell the house and stage it well
    -ok she had a fucking TEAM of chefs and shit running around making the food, serving the food, cleaning up after people's plates, et fucking cetera what the hell
    -i got to that party and i was like. me, a Poor: i do not belong here. people like me do not go to parties like these
    -even if technically i was Diet Crowd Control
    -the desserts were fancy as hell and lactose intolerance be damned i was gonna eat that aesthetic bullshit
    -everything was fancy
    -anyways she offered me a babysitting job because i Charmed her kid
    -me, huge eyed: y e s
    -her kids are pretty well behaved considering
    -ok so the patio was open
    -but sealed off from outside with plastic sheeting
    -apparently she's not concerned with a massive fucking energy bill
    -the kids: let's go under the plastic sheeting into the outside and drown ourselves in the pool
    -ok that's hyperbole but s e r i ou s ly
    -the dAD
    -god it was so noisy ok
    -i heard horror stories of last year's party tho
    -apparently two Squads of children discovered that one of the rooms locked from the inside
    -(oh no, you might be saying. this already sounds bad. you would be correct)
    -so. these two warring factions (first grade boys, first grade girls) lock themselves in and the babysitters out
    -and proceed to have fucking fistfights
    -fight club: 7 year old edition
    -jesus christ
    -im so glad the worst we had was a floor absolutely covered in rice
    -and ok maybe some minor casualties
    -aka: orange shirt kid literally take off your socks to stop falling the fuck over on the hardwood
    -will, the problem child, called me mom once
    -and then about passed out in my lap
    -me: what do i do with this
    -hey another thing you shouldnt have in a room full of kids: the Hot Glue Gun
    -literally five seconds in and someone had glued a sock to the table
    -i was drop-dead exhausted by the end of this Experience, christ
    -at least the money i got paid was worth it lmao

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. X_of_Coins


      I hope you got tips... God I would never be able to do that.

    3. mouse


      tag yourself, i'm 

      -the desserts were fancy as hell and lactose intolerance be damned i was gonna eat that aesthetic bullshit

      -me, huge eyed: y e s


      -and ok maybe some minor casualties

      -me: what do i do with this

    4. Short_comedian


      Literally everything in this status is me. I'm the kids and I'm the adult at the same time.