Jump to content
Attention, CICADA community!
  • It’s time to say goodbye—the community at cicadamag.com is now closed. Learn more...


  • Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won


writeandleft last won the day on April 12

writeandleft had the most liked content!

Community Reputation

76 Excellent

About writeandleft

  • Rank

Recent Profile Visitors

2716 profile views
  1. $15. I regret nothing


  2. little things

    @thepensword why do I feel like crying...this is exactly what I didn't know I needed to hear. thank you so so so much. sending buckets of love your way. <3
  3. little things

    @justaddbooks @drowntown @Apollo's Lover thank you guys so much, this means the world!! <3
  4. little things

    *I'm still super insecure about this and I feel like I'm being too dramatic...but whatever, I'm gonna post it before I talk myself out of it* it was a bunch of little things, really. all compounded into one. little things like unconsciously buying a bunch of rainbow clothes and not realizing what I was doing until my sister made fun of me for it. like letting out a sigh of relief when my pastor talked about acceptance. like wanting with all my heart to go to pride and grinning uncontrollably when I think about painting my face rainbow. like watching the video of same-sex marriage being legalized in Australia, and crying when they break out into song, even though I don't live there. like silently envying this one gay girl in my grade, because she's so open about it and why can't I be that sure of myself? like falling in love with hayley kiyoko over and over as I listen to girls like girls on repeat. like seeing love, simon in the theater and sobbing so much my makeup came off, so much I had to hide my face and tell myself to breathe, so much I felt like an idiot but at the same time I was beaming because how is this movie even real? like beaming when my friend came out as ace in a sort of roundabout way, and finally feeling comfortable telling her I'm questioning because I know she'll understand. like caving in and doing that stupid "am I gay" google search and getting frustrated at the idiotic quizzes that are only based on stereotypes but taking more and more until I get a gay enough result. like never having been in a relationship before so not even knowing what to expect from someone of any gender. like realizing that all my past male crushes were probably a mix of comp het and latching onto anyone who actually tolerated my socially anxious self. like not thinking many male actors are that attractive but conditioning myself to react well when my friends show me pictures, and whenever I see a guy I consciously ask myself if I think he's cute until it gets to the point where I don't know what's instinct and what's real. like the same thing happening with girls. like never knowing if I actually find someone attractive or not because my brain automatically goes down that path, just because I've questioned it so much. like "falling in love" with one of my best friends two years ago and not being able to tell if it was a friend crush or whatever for such a long time. like still thinking about holding her hand but then scolding myself, rebuking myself, invalidating myself. "what if you're lying?" "what if you're actually straight and just being stupid?" "what if you come out as queer but it turns out you're not and you look like a complete idiot?" because I'm making a huge deal about this and I'm so confused and I want it to be over and I want to come out but I don't know what to come out as. I hope that all these little things amount to something bigger, but I've unknowingly trained myself to doubt everything. I keep making this harder for myself, and I'm just so lost. so here's to more little things that might finally tell me who I am.
  5. Exquisite Corpse: April 2018

    we haunt each other's foolish starstruck hearts.
  6. Lioness

    this is so beautifully written, also it kinda reminds me of my own sister. how I can't write about her cause she's so much all at once and I know her so well. If that makes any sense? anyway I love this
  7. ode to my belly rolls

    this is so wonderful :D
  8. her

    @The Invincible Troodon wow, thank you!! that actually means a lot :)
  9. @writeandleft I need to see love simon did you know theres a book but its not called love simon i forget what its actually called 

    1. writeandleft


      oh yess its called simon vs the homosapien agenda, it's by becky albertalli. I haven't read it but I really want to :P

  10. her

    you let her slip into your brain with her stupid shining hair (that you know is just dirty blonde but looks like shimmering gold to you) and her stupid voice like melted butter so soft and sweet and lovely and that stupid laugh like bells (you feel strange describing her like this because that's how authors talk in books but there's no better way) and plus her stupid stupid eyes the stupidest part of all that you hate the most (those stupid stupid eyes gazing velvet soft blue satin dark and light and all the colors of a summer sky) with stars in them and all the brightness of the world stupid, stupid, stupid.
  11. I'll go with you

    @justaddbooks aw thanks! :D
  12. I'll go with you

    *wow it feels like I haven't been on this site in years but it's been like a month :] but I found the time and for some reason I want to post this thing that's highkey a rant about a conversation my crush and I had one day...embarrassing. true. prob pathetic. enjoy* my brain says go to college, get a job but my heart says abandon it all drop my cares and go backpacking across europe. (I told you all of this.) I didn’t expect you to agree but you did and you smiled that smile that I swear can make flowers bloom and you said, laughing, I’ll go with you. ireland is breathtaking why don’t we run away there? (I replied.) the cliffs are emerald and rugged brown and the trees strain towards gray satin skies like outstretched arms. it’s always raining, cold air so clean it feels sharp everyone is sweet and feels familiar and the air is filled with music and laughter and language and promise. (I didn’t say any of that to you.) (we just sat in silence for a moment reveling in this future that could be.) (I sat quiet heart thudding thinking wondering what it would be like to make this a reality, what it would be like to go anywhere with you everywhere with you to hold your hand and stare up at millions of stars to hold your hand and not have to hide the sunburst in my chest whenever you smile.) (look, there’s orion, the same orion I can see from my front yard at home three star belt I trace every night. and look cassiopeia, the little dipper, and a billion other steadfast gleaming wonders doesn’t it all make you want to jump up and fly?) my brain says stop dreaming. stop getting drunk on wishful thinking and face reality, because this is all impossible and falling in love was never a good idea. but my heart still says, and will never stop saying, I’ll go with you.
  13. It's okay

    these lines are great. and relatable as h e ck..
  14. Exquisite Corpse March 2018

    to find shelter inside myself from sandstorm winds -- grit in my teeth, eyes -- is like a welcome inhale of coastal sweetness