*I'm still super insecure about this and I feel like I'm being too dramatic...but whatever, I'm gonna post it before I talk myself out of it*
it was a bunch of little things, really.
all compounded into one.
little things like unconsciously buying a bunch of rainbow clothes
and not realizing what I was doing until my sister made fun of me for it.
like letting out a sigh of relief when my pastor talked about acceptance.
like wanting with all my heart to go to pride
and grinning uncontrollably when I think about painting my face rainbow.
like watching the video of same-sex marriage being legalized in Australia,
and crying when they break out into song, even though I don't live there.
like silently envying this one gay girl in my grade,
because she's so open about it and why can't I be that sure of myself?
like falling in love with hayley kiyoko over and over
as I listen to girls like girls on repeat.
like seeing love, simon in the theater and sobbing so much my makeup came off,
so much I had to hide my face and tell myself to breathe,
so much I felt like an idiot but at the same time I was beaming because how is this movie even real?
like beaming when my friend came out as ace in a sort of roundabout way,
and finally feeling comfortable telling her I'm questioning
because I know she'll understand.
like caving in and doing that stupid "am I gay" google search
and getting frustrated at the idiotic quizzes that are only based on stereotypes
but taking more and more until I get a gay enough result.
like never having been in a relationship before
so not even knowing what to expect from someone of any gender.
like realizing that all my past male crushes were probably a mix of comp het
and latching onto anyone who actually tolerated my socially anxious self.
like not thinking many male actors are that attractive
but conditioning myself to react well when my friends show me pictures,
and whenever I see a guy I consciously ask myself if I think he's cute
until it gets to the point where I don't know what's instinct and what's real.
like the same thing happening with girls.
like never knowing if I actually find someone attractive or not because my brain
automatically goes down that path, just because I've questioned it so much.
like "falling in love" with one of my best friends two years ago
and not being able to tell if it was a friend crush or whatever for such a long time.
like still thinking about holding her hand
but then scolding myself, rebuking myself,
"what if you're lying?"
"what if you're actually straight and just being stupid?"
"what if you come out as queer but it turns out you're not and you look like a complete idiot?"
because I'm making a huge deal about this
and I'm so confused
and I want it to be over
and I want to come out
but I don't know what to come out as.
I hope that all these little things amount to something bigger,
but I've unknowingly trained myself to doubt everything.
I keep making this harder for myself,
and I'm just so lost.
so here's to more little things that might finally tell me who I am.