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Ainm

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Ainm last won the day on November 12

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About Ainm

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  1. quiet, boy

    ...ouch. That hits really hard. Sending internet hugs, because it doesn't feel like there's much more I can do. (If I could do more, I would.)
  2. a week

    I practically have an allergy to punctuation, and I really need to work on that. Also, thank you so much for your feedback! (It really means the world.) I shall continue revising. :)
  3. gutters

    I love how "my little sister" functions in the poem - can be read as a literal sister or as a younger self. I really like these lines (and bloody hell are they too relatable), but I think that it might be more effect without explicitly using the word "manic". Love this: so much more effect than saying reflection. Damn. These are powerful lines. I think my primary critique would be to look at line breaks and punctuation. (Ex - Why is there a semicolon after "red" and not after other phrases? Why do you use commas some places and not others? There doesn't seem to be an overarching logic to it.) This is the sort of poem that I have trouble critiquing in any meaningful way because it hits so hard for me on a personal level, so my comments are likely a little less coherent than usual. Again: this is a really powerful poem. Well done.
  4. mental tripwires

    I was summoned! (cackles maniacally) Alright, let's see what we've got. This is a really good line. I would honestly suggest cutting the rest of your first stanza and opening with this, possibly with a line break after "prophetic". I think that this could be compressed into or something similar. Mentioning hands, fingertips, and fingers feels a little redundant. Also, I am all for cutting out excess words and compressing things as much as possible. I feel like in poetry, we have a small word quota, and it's important to use each and every word deliberately. (This is probably a stylistic me thing, though.) Maybe change to "the lines you say aloud are tripping over reality"? I'm not sure if this example is necessary to make your point. (I think that statements without elaboration are more the style that this poem is headed for, but again, possibly a me thing.) I'd suggest changing this section to "the lines get crossed / (it was only a dream) / you will never know". I think introducing the idea of sparring/similar imagery earlier in the poem might make this line more effective. (I love the word "sparring", because it sounds almost like "sparing", which is completely different but almost the same.) This could be changed simply to "I will not trip / for then I might fall", which could loop back either to sparring or to the idea of trip-lines/wires. Finally: this sounds like a hellishly complicated social/mental situation... I hope that clarifies for you. (I probably ought to offer advice, because I'm an older Slammer with life experience and all that, but I'm also a socially awkward human, so I may not be your best bet. :P) And per usual, let me know if you have any questions about my feedback. Also, if you want to post a revised version of the poem here, I am down to read and critique that too. :)
  5. a week

    In retrospect, I completely agree with you. This is something I could say differently and something I'll definitely revise. Hit the nail on the head, there. The repetitions/handfuls line refers to handfuls of pills - mostly psychotropic, but also for migraines and the like. Possibly might change that to "repetitions and handfuls of", if it's too confusing. (I mean, some confusion is good, but I like people actually being able to get things out of my poems.) Yup, and a commentary on how some medications (usually psychotropic ones) can sometimes have paradoxical effects, in that they produce a reaction that is the opposite thing of what you would want to happen. As in, an anti-anxiety drug making you more anxious or a mood stabilizer making one's mood less stable. As a rule, I don't use question marks in my poetry, and I don't really like my poems to feel as though they've ended. I like it when an unsettled, uncomfortable, unfinished feeling sticks with my readers. Thank you so much for your critiques and feedback! Fact: you do not suck at critiquing, because (a) good critiques are a skill that everyone is constantly learning and (b) all feedback and reactions are legitimate. Final note: I am honestly surprised you got as much out of my semi-cryptic poetry as you did. I am the deity of obfuscation.
  6. (cracks knuckles) Right-o, here we go. I want to change the structure of your poem somewhat. I'm not a fan of the use of dashes when you're going to italicize the next two lines, because that distinguishes the change plenty. For example, I'd change these lines to this Also, I never bother with commas at the end of lines because they feel redundant, but that might be entirely a me thing. Onto other things: I love the idea of "headspace reruns", but I don't understand how that's happening "behind loose folded arms". (Maybe add a comma after "flicker" for clarity?) I'd also suggest moving the line break from "into the / not-quite-dark" to "into / the not-quite-dark". "Feels like home" is both good and slightly cliche - consider a revision. Okay, so this may be an entirely nerdy me thing, but orange-colored streetlights are made of sodium, and "sodium streetlights" would sound whisper-y and alliterative (even if it is a blended consonant sound, technically). Possibly veering toward a little too much color imagery here, with "purple scarf" and "whitecapped" and "surge green". To me, "faceted" implies "quartzlike" without actually saying that. Maybe choose another word here? Love this. I both love this and feel like it's cumbersome-ly worded. (My comment is cumbersome-ly worded. :P) I'm not sure how to fix it, though, so this is mostly just a thought and suggestion to revise. Overall, I really enjoyed this. Hope the suggestions are helpful!
  7. This is lovely. Also, I have a couple of suggestions about things that I think could make the poem more effective... how do you feel about detailed, nitpick-y critique?
  8. tired girl howls, act three

    I love the intra-chapbook referencing idea. Also, I really like your intentions/interpretations of the Orion constellation/myth. As for the critiques, I am more than happy to help out. :) PSA to everyone: if y'all ever want critical, detailed feedback on your poems/fiction/writing, as demonstrated above, feel free to tag me and I shall provide. (I am also consistently thrilled to have my own work critiqued in a similar way, if anyone ever wants to do that.)
  9. a week

    Critiques and comments welcome, as always.
  10. a week

    i. on the chaos scale this week has been a train wreck colliding with dragons add some atomic bombs you say and we laugh because what else do you do what else do you do ii. i am clinging to the last shreds of my sanity existing in repetitions and handfuls white white blue pink green oval diamond oval circle circle a discovery: these things meant to heal occasionally make everything worse iii. there will be brighter days there will be there must be believe because it is mandatory regardless of whether it is true how else am i to be a pillar when everyone i know is crumbling
  11. tired girl howls, act three

    Why green? It's an interesting detail, but possibly an unnecessary one. This feels a little sudden. Getting to this point in the poem eventually but not quite as soon might be a little more effective. (Make the reader complacent, then jolt them awake.) Love this. Lovelovelove this. Not sure what you mean here and the arbiter of all human knowledge (Google) couldn't explain. This is very effective. Subtle, but stunning. I would remove the comma after "fingertips". Seems unnecessary, unless you really feel strongly about it. I'd love to hear your reasoning behind choosing Orion... were this my poem, there'd be something about the myth of the constellation that connects to the rest of the work, and I couldn't seem to find anything about that for Orion. (Maybe consider Ursa Major or Minor instead? The myths seem fitting. [Potential trigger warning for rape mention in the myths.]) Unless, of course, Orion has personal significance for you - in which case, keep it. Love this. (I really enjoy punctuation/fragment non/endings, if that makes sense.) I think that's all of the critiques I have to offer. Honestly, all of this is nitpicking, though. This is an incredible poem.
  12. writing influences

    Poetry influences: Susan Briante (her poem "Mother is Marxist" is one of the most brilliant things I've ever read; find it here: https://www.guernicamag.com/mother-is-marxist/); Andrea Gibson (check out "The Nutritionist"), William Evans ("Sickle"), Brenna Twohy ("Nearest Exit", which a group poem, but still), and so many other slam poets; and my friends and editors and classmates, who may not be published yet, but never fail to amaze. Fiction influences: Neil Gaiman (particularly Good Omens and American Gods), Margaret Atwood (Year of the Flood, especially), Barbara Kingsolver (Flight Behavior), and Ruth Ozeki (A Tale for the Time Being). Honestly, I think we're influenced by all the media we consume, so my influences are more or less what I read most. :P
  13. Currently reading?

    I'm currently reading Lab Girl (Hope Jahren), a memoir of a female scientist who specializes in biogeochemistry; The Gene: An Intimate History (Siddhartha Mukherjee), which is about the history of the field of genetics; In the Wake: On Blackness and Being (Christina Sharpe), which is assigned reading for my literature class, but also an incredible examination of what it means to be Black in the aftermath of the Trans-Atlantic slave trade; and The Hobbit (Tolkien), a yearly pilgrimage. There are so many others I want to read and want others to read, but I'm not sure if here is the place to enumerate them...
  14. tired girl howls, act three

    Poetry-wise, this is simply beautiful. (I could be critical and go over this word by word, if you like, but I'm not sure if that's something you want.) Subject matter-wise... I struggle for words. You are loved, mouse.
  15. Characters!

    Ooo, characters. Following today's theme of sharing tidbits about my current (Sherlock fanfiction) novel... the leads: Catrin Jones - Graduate student at University College London, specializing in cryptography and cryptanalysis; did undergraduate work in mathematics and linguistics. Works in a coffee shop and hates tea, despite being from the Mumbles, Wales. Runs stairs and does aikido/judo in her spare time. Does yet not realize her own badassery. Emily Bagnall (Em) - Catrin's best friend and co-worker. Studies cello at the Royal Academy of Music. Loves a good adventure, but primarily when they occur in science fiction novels and are accompanied by blankets and tea. Guy Oliver - The everyman, if the everyman were a violent political insurrectionist with a massive criminal following. The hero of another story. Sherlock Holmes - Consulting detective extraordinaire. Damaged, delusional, and believes in a higher power - in this case, himself. John Watson - The soldier, in every sense. Currently most preoccupied with raising his daughter, Rosie. the others: Molly Hooper - Medical examiner at St. Bartholomew’s Hospital. More awkward than not, but a knowledgeable and trustworthy friend. Mycroft Holmes - The elder brother, and effectively the British government. The fate of the free world depends on his laptop. Mrs. Hudson - Landlady of 221B Baker Street. Grandmotherly, but with a sordid past and a sports car. Generally a plot device, but a good one. Greg Lestrade - Detective Inspector with Scotland Yard. Works with Sherlock out of both friendship and necessity. Sally Donovan - Detective Sergeant with Scotland Yard; Lestrade’s trusted right hand. Dislikes Sherlock and co. on principle, but is fundamentally decent person and determined to do right as she sees it. ...and definitely others, but too many to list.
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