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[pseudonym] last won the day on April 30

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  1. jeans

    thanks! the first line is definitely a little sloppy on my part because i didn't really think about how i would incorporate sight and smell into one line (my bad!) i'm glad you like the metaphor though :)
  2. jeans

    maybe it's the way jasmine coats string lights coat rooms with the magenta you feel humming under your skin or maybe it's the way you fill the space between him with galaxies like puppets strung from your fingertips i don't understand your effervescent feeling, the sight sound smell touch taste you have come to crave so much or how your name rolls off my tongue like skinny jeans cuffed high on a summer afternoon maybe that's why i didn't bother making a rhyme scheme, or why alliteration failed me this time i really fucking like you. the end. author's note: this is just a thing i wrote about my boyfriend in 10 minutes, idk
  3. [another wip?] somehow

    his parables dipped in gold and LA sunshine i hoped this would subside but i digress and guess you like her more adorn me in shadow, torn together your "no"s laced in "forever"s maybe she's better maybe you said never remember the way you filled my mouth with THC watch me bleed as i lay lazy details hazy drive me crazy crave me the way you did in dark corners scorn upon your shoulders now you're bolder and you don't need this intoxicated smile built into your miles you're interdimensional, here i am beguiled reviled because my voice sounds like bubblegum sticky on your shoes lose me in blue again and even you only like me for my weed so i'll save some green for then Author's note: this is another spoken-word style thing that i wrote. It's much more stream-of-consciousness-y than the last thing i posted here so i'm sorry if it doesn't make any sense. I also don't know if i should add to it or not because i kinda like the way it cuts off here, but it's super short. Anyway if yall want to criticize the hell out of this i'm completely down; i'm always trying to improve my writing :)
  4. anthills to himalayas

    I like it! I appreciate that you reflected honestly on the origin of your writer's block in a way that was in its own way really beautiful.
  5. Superpowers!

    i would probably choose something completely mundane that only i would know about and just laugh about how i was quietly changing some tiny part of the world and no one would know about it except me. i like the manipulating probabilities idea though, even though it's a little cheap (i mean after all you can just give yourself a 100% chance to get/do everything you want to get/do and a 0% chance of getting/doing stuff you don't want to get or do). it's a cool concept regardless
  6. She Found the Universe

    Wow. Everything about this works for me. I love using space-related thematic imagery, but I've never been able to get it to be quite this good. It's also super cool that you took your friend's analogy (which is cool enough on its own) and morphed it into a powerful and well-written poem. Nice work!
  7. Favorite music

    If it's not country or hardcore trap, I'm probably down. I listen to everything from Noname (Yesterday, Sunday Morning and Sunny Duet are my faves 😁) to Gallant (90% of his music is amazing and well-produced) to Regina Spektor and Kate Nash. Recently I've gotten more into hip hop but really I like a lot of genres and styles.
  8. [WIP] miles upon miles upon miles

    I was worried about that! A few lines in I sorta reached a crossroads where I either had to change the theme to be less strictly focused on alliteration or to keep working with the "a" sounds, and I ultimately decided to go with the latter. I'll definitely tone it down some though, because you're right that it's kinda difficult to understand without more context. Oh yeah I get you. I tried to avoid making that part cliche but admittedly I liked the sound of "trachea" and wanted to express the way that he's sorta drowning in his own alcoholism (which is especially sad because he's only 15). That's a difficult thing for me to express without it being cliche (because the whole concept of drowning in something is overdone in the first place), so I'll definitely try to work around that and maybe use a different expression for it. Yeah, the formatting stuff (including the weird line breaks) is mostly to do with the fact that I wrote this and posted it on my phone rather than on a computer. I kinda want to express this in one breath (if that makes sense), but it definitely wasn't supposed to be one line. I guess that's sort of a me thing in that I format my spoken word stuff in a way that makes sense to me when I'm reading it but doesn't fit with the general formatting for spoken word. I'm also split between keeping the mary jane line and ditching it. It's a little surprising in a way, which can sound really weird, but I like how it sounds with "apprehension" and "condescension". It's one of those half-rhyme things that sounds really cool to me but maybe not as good to other people. Thanks for all the advice! I'll be sure to post the rest once I'm done, though it might take me a while to put it together. Also I don't think we'd know each other from the old slam. I was on there pretty frequently but I didn't comment or post all that much.
  9. [WIP] miles upon miles upon miles

    Antonymous anonymous your beating-heart apocalypse Apocryphally adopted in a mess of gray astonishment Criticized acknowledgements bibliography dishonesty and plagiarized admonishment Analagous to apologues ash asks you for answers Allegorical adversary bottled auburn autumnal Alcohol down your trachea answering your prayers like air Allusion disillusionment and post mortem apprehension against blank condescension, mary jane on your guest list Polished death affliction, extrapolated conniptions [I don't have anything else past this point] author's note: hey all! It's been years since I posted here (on a different account obvi) but I have new content based on new experiences now and I hope you enjoy it/can give constructive criticism for it. This work in progress is going to be a spoken-word piece about one of my friends, who is struggling with addiction. So far it's kinda jumpy and the syllables are a little funky but I hope yall like it/can offer advice for it. Thanks!