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conradbirdie

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Everything posted by conradbirdie

  1. EXT. TOLERATE NO S*** GROCERY - DAY A few people mill about the front of the store, eating and grabbing carts. INT. TOLERATE NO S*** GROCERY MASON sidles up to LOUIS, who is restocking produce like death would be a welcome change from apples. MASON (whispering) A travesty has come upon us. LOUIS (deadpan) Oh, gee whiz, must be a Monday, hahahaha. MASON Louis, no. You sound like fuckin' Garfield. Have you seen the signs? Louis glances up at the handmade banner reading "BRING YOUR WIFE TO WORK DAYS - JUNE 12TH" LOUIS That phrasing concerns me. How many days will I be bringing my nonexistent wife to work and why doesn't she have a nonexistent job? How are we going to pay the mortgage and my cheese habits and her heavy drinking of coffee and our heterosexual condom-filled love life without supplementary income? MASON Dude, I thought you'd have a problem with the 'wife' part. I mean, that's my beef with it. LOUIS My husband already works here, to help pay for our mortgage and my cheese habits and his heavy drinking of coffee and our homosexual condom-filled- MASON You literally do not have to explain my dad's love life with you, I- LOUIS Every day is bring your husband to work day. And every night is cheese night and coffee night and homosexual con- MASON I know. LOUIS Then what is your 'beef' with it? You can invite your girlfriend over on any off her days off. There is a pause. Mason leans in conspiratorially. MASON The only person who has a wife is our boss. Louis' eyes widen. He seems close to exploding with the sudden amount of emotion. LOUIS That accursed, wonderfully self-centered, spoiling woman. INT. BACK ROOM Mason leans back in a folding chair, a huge grin on his face. MASON Louis and the boss have this rivalry thing going on. They're trying to figure out who can be the most narcissistic and adoring of their partners at the same time, or something? Louis was in the lead by making a beach resort here in the back room for my dad, with a truckload of sand and a dozen heat lamps, but this new turn of events? He shakes his head. MASON Hoo boy. Drama. INT. TOLERATE NO S*** GROCERY FIORALBA, a woman clearly interested in business, is putting posters up on a cork board. They all read "BYWTWD". Louis approaches. LOUIS Good afternoon, Fioralba, you fiend. FIORALBA Please, call me boss. Or, alternatively, 'soon to be holder of the title of self-and-partner-centered-champion'. She turns to the side, whispering a quiet "boo yah" to herself. She turns back. Louis is squinting at the posters. FIORALBA What, cat got your pampering tongue? LOUIS You'll never get away with this. FIORALBA Considering I'm the end-all-be-all of every official in store event? I will, and Boyewtwed will reign on. LOUIS (quietly) What the entire fuck? FIORALBA Boyewtwed. She gestures to the posters. FIORALBA Bring your wife to work days. Get with the program, Lou. LOUIS Please, call me Mr. Dumont-Anne. FIORALBA Yeah, you know what? You know what, Lou? You know who owns the store? Who owns this establishment? Who has their gorgeous wife able to be here 24/7 by the end of this week? A person who's not a fricken' butthole with breath that smells like aged cheese. Bye. She walks off. INT. BACK ROOM FIORALBA It's important to show your employees that you can verbally decimate them without swearing in the workplace. Pow. Boom, baby. I'm gonna get to see my wife so much. ((this is mostly just me trying to figure out how to format scripts in here, but!! have a sitcom script that will probably never be finished!! theres still like 4 other characters that have yet to be introduced, but hey. As The Circle Of Character Life Continues, They Will Inevitably Be Recycled And Born Anew)
  2. YO WHAT THE FUCK I DIDNT SEE THIS UNTIL NOW?? TELL CLARK I OWE THEM MY LIFE THATS AN A M A Z I N G COMPLIMENT
  3. thanks a million, dude!! i really need to edit this poem so if you have any suggestions, i'd love to hear them!
  4. i like the harmless habits, above all the ones that shy away from shoving they leave gentle touches, instead across the line i used to think of mentality like that some great towering 2d plane of black, deeming you in all caps: HEALTHY (in smaller letters, ‘good’) UNHEALTHY (even smaller, ‘bad’) a blue moon good day would let me inch forward, getting to dip my face through the curtain plunging my face in instead of just few hesitant fingers, just to squint at what could be better to catch my breath and the next thought, moment, minute hour, day, week, month year, years, endless cycle would drag me back down into the water, where my thoughts turned shifty, hard to catch red-handed and still, the harmless habits cradled me bathing only in strawberry shampoo made me feel warm against the pressure of approximately a fuckton of cubic meters of 3 point font ‘bad’ laughing ten seconds too long because i was grateful to get to smile dropped two more labels on top of that but it felt like a triumph, still its the harmless habits that got me by
  5. Discord Link, But Like, It Works Forever

    so i realized the link to join the discord kept not working? and guess what folks it's because the link to join keeps expiring. discord is giving us the two week old milk of links. i think i set it to n o t expire, so if case anyone wants to join but was confounded by Link Issues: https://discord.gg/YGXn5wu
  6. Plea for help

    i know i'm crazy late too, but im gonna see if i can give you a summary of what i wished i knew when i was going through this about a three years to a year ago: there is always going to be people there for you, that might be online and that might be in person, but they will still be there you will have days where it seems worse and days where it seems better, the worse ones do not mean you should give up or give in, and the better days dont mean that you were somehow faking everything all along i know everyone probably keeps saying this and it sounds kinda fake in the middle of it all, but really, everything does get better. it takes time, it takes a lot of effort in places, and its really hard to recognize when its happening, but i can guarantee there'll be a day when you go, "oh, whoa. i'm getting more confident, i haven't thought about suicide in a good while, i feel like i can do things again- today was a good day." you can always talk to me if you want, i'd also love for you to join the discord if you felt up to it, and here are some links to online suicide help line chats, so the phone issue won't be a hassle there: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/ (these look more like databases of chats, but i'll put 'em here in case you're looking for something different!) http://www.suicidestop.com/suicide_prevention_chat_usa.html http://www.suicidestop.com/suicide_prevention_chat_international.html
  7. its all good my dude!! i always mess up grammar like its going out of style so i Get It dkjfbkfg
  8. I Want

    this isnt fair yall are all s o g o o d im. emotional. im an extra big fan of the last stanza, it combines like. everything into one
  9. Untitled

    yall are all making me cry on this fine night, huh. holy s h i t this is good. feels like anger in all the right ways, if that makes any sense?
  10. Exquisite Corpse March 2018

    white noise generators hold the same lullaby of constancy but lord knows mother nature does it best
  11. tie-dye mind

    hey this is all beautiful?? relatable, definitely, and just wonderfully achy and familiar to read.
  12. fragile anarchies

    okay this is w a y too gorgeously well written to actually articulate everything good about it. holy shit, thank you so much for sharing this, dude.
  13. yo im emotional?? gotta love kids enjoying a nice night together wow. uhhhhhhh i think you m i g h t want to add a little more detail but that might just be bc im always a sucker for some good ol' fashioned random specifics. also. the name callum. S o l i d i love it
  14. The Greater Good (Pt. 1)

    my dude i am ALWAYS glad to see robot characters floating around here!! cool idea, love that, you might wanna fix the tenses like @Apollo's Lover said and maybe tighten up the dialogue a little, but whoa! the world building is interesting as all get out, dude!
  15. Discord?

    i feel bad for not being Productive on here so consider this: im gonna give some feedback to peoples stuff bc y'all deserve it. and THEN join
  16. most of my classes are fine but theres one (1) where

    1. the teacher won't grade the short answers to any of our tests, so we have to explain and re-explain to our parents why our grades look like shit
    2. the teacher doesn't answer emails until the day before class, which results in such classics situations as 'cool i now have 24 hours to study for the entire exam, because you didn't give me the class recording or the reading, even though i emailed you about it a week earlier and sent you three follow up emails about it'
    3. the teacher likes to test us on things we have not even seen yet. and then, in the next class. Teach Us What We Needed To Know A Week Ago.

    in conclusion: not the worst class ive been in. but also wtf

    1. conradbirdie

      conradbirdie

      new things to add (i apologize for complaining but i just. cant fathom this class):

      1.  oh boy, extra credit questions!!! they're for 0.01 points
      2.  why do the answer choices go like:
        a. F
        b. W
        c. I
        d. K
        like did she shuffle them up just to fuck with us???? whats going ON
  17. i fucking finished. my entire nhd website. in the span of those last couple weeks and tonight its done and all in all: i still love my topic, i'd love to do this again WITH MORE TIME, but i never want to hear another documentary in finnish again

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. justaddbooks

      justaddbooks

      I had to do NHD recently aaah 

    3. conradbirdie

      conradbirdie

      it seems like everyone here does nhd, wow?? but hey, cool!! what topic did you do, dude?

    4. justaddbooks

      justaddbooks

      I did mine on the Chicago Handgun Freeze! It was a really interesting topic, but there wasn't a lot of sources and things so my thesis was scattered and my project could have been a lot better. What topic did you do?

  18. Question For The Editors?

    Extra question in addition to this, @Autumn and @CICADA: what about other places to submit? Do you think, generally, they'll take something that's been posted on here as if it's brand new, or does that also count as it being 'published' in a way?
  19. i know i've barely been on here but lemme just say? i had a very sweet old lady all me a 'kind young man' on a day i was feeling like i couldnt physically get to the level of masculine i wanted to and uh w o w that felt good?? i mean, obviously i cried happy tears within the next 5 seconds, which wasn't really the look i was going for kjgfbkjfg

  20. hiatus

    i didn't see this before, i'm so sorry! i don't even know if you're checking this anymore, but i got a discord, so i sent you a friend request if you wanna talk. we'll miss you on here!
  21. new users can't join the slam for free

    Yeah, I agree with everything said before. I'm even gonna use proper capitalization and everything for this because I do really feel strongly about this- Especially with what Logan said about the problem with paying for a subscription. Even if kids can pay for a subscription,we don't have credit cards. (To the best of my knowledge, at least. I'm a kid, I should know, but I dunno what my peers are up to these days!) The Slam is purposefully made to be somewhere that it's comfortable to be totally and completely yourself, and that raises a lot of questions when it comes to getting parents or other adults with credit cards to pay for access to it. Keeping at least part of the site free gives kids a chance to express themselves without having to get permission from other people in their life to express themselves, just as making it pay only limits that chance for a lot of kids. I dunno, that's my major qualm with it, but I also get they need money to keep everything up, so it's all kind of an unfortunate moral gray, I think!
  22. OC RP LETS GOOOOOOOO

    @drowntown @The Invincible Troodon @queenie_flower @Short_comedian Harley was busy scribbling his number on a scrap of paper to hand to June, but that didn't stop him from trying to pay attention to everything happening at once. That mostly consisted at wincing a lot at Caenus' story and squeezing his shoulder in an attempt to show sympathy without being all overbearing about it. "Oof. That's a good dude. I can give you my shitty makeshift bullet-ish-proof vest, but it's no good for stab wounds. So, like- You're not allowed to get stabbed." Harley looked back and forth between the door and Unit Four, squinting a little, focusing all of his attention on how to best help out this renegade cause without sacrificing his own mission. And, of course, the focus helped keep him present and not wrapped up in a panicky 'time to vividly relive the time you got stabbed' spiral. He was glad to burst into astonished laughter at Nick's offer and Caenus' theater nerd response. "I don't know jack shit about stage combat, but I call next!"
  23. i've got an exam today so i probs wont be able to reply to rp stuff ;/
    but on another mood have y'all ever considered just Crunching into a raw egg?? bc i want to. they're like uhhhhh hard gushers but Protein

    1. Show previous comments  42 more
    2. thepensword

      thepensword

      wow gordon has some pretty great gifs

      tenor-2.gif.f9d0eb67131d4ca1ca62dcd9c34a7dc0.gif

    3. hayfevered

      hayfevered

      finally, some good fucking food

    4. thepensword
  24. funny childhood stories

    i was a master at lying to myself as a child. a bona fide pro, as evidenced by my "i DONT have a crush on her OR him wanting to kiss and end up marrying best friends is just PART OF BEING BEST FRIENDS" and the slightly less core of my being one of "if i convince even myself that i didnt eat all the cookies, then i didnt eat all the cookies"
  25. OC RP LETS GOOOOOOOO

    @drowntown @The Invincible Troodon @queenie_flower @Short_comedian Harley did a mini fist pump, already grabbing his keys again. "Sweet. No hetero, June. Phone's in the car, I can just walk y'all down, unlock the whole thing for you. I'll hook up our phones so I can, like, yell info at y'all. Which'll literally just be me pulling up fuckin' Google Maps and being a backseat driver about it. So, I mean, enjoy." He double and triple checked Unit Four's fans, waving absentmindedly at Nick all the while. "It's chill, it's chill, man. Wasn't planning on making it four by coming along, there's no way in hell I'm leaving Four by themself for that long. Wait, fuck-" He looked up at the group, making a face. "Can one of y'all swing by, like 7-11 while you're out? I need to rewire one of Unit Four's speakers. 14 gauge wire. I'll pay you back double or something. Plus I'm giving you guys my car, so..." Still, he was already making for the front door. Even though this would be one hell of a dumb way to get caught if he got traced back. Harley was kinda all about dumb.
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