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Aries: The stars advise you to add avocado for 99¢. No matter what. Taurus: Today, you will meet a tall, beautiful stranger. Tomorrow, you will meet a tall, beautiful stranger. The following day, you will meet a tall, beautiful stranger. Every day for the rest of your life, you will meet a new tall, beautiful stranger, and you will always wonder where all these tall strangers come from, how they find you, why they are eternally strangers, and why they are so, so beautiful. Gemini: All the heavens said about Gemini this week was “LOBSTERS.” So, uh, good luck with that. Cancer: This week, you will only be visible under UV light. Leo: Your power color is gold, which is great news considering what’s been happening to everything you touch lately. Virgo: You never know what culinary treasures you’ll discover when you keep an open mind. Remember that when your wagon train gets stranded in the mountain pass this weekend. Libra: It is almost time to act. All your years of deep cover are about to pay off. You will know your contact by their use of the code phrase, “Let us go to the produce section and admire the beautiful heirloom tomatoes.” Scorpio: [REDACTED] Sagittarius: For a variety of disturbing reasons, “do to others as you would have them do to you” is probably good advice for everyone except you. Capricorn: Sooner or later, you’re going to have to accept that you can’t solve all your problems with the liberal application of a croquet mallet. Aquarius: Venus will be in your second house this week. Tell her to get a job, pay a bill, or else get out. Pisces: Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay CALM. STAY CALM. STAY CALM. STAY CALM. STAY CALM. STAY CALM. images © xenia_ok/Shutterstock.com; painterr//Shutterstock.com
Aries: Mercury is visiting your eleventh house this week. Mercury is sort of wondering why you have so many houses, and if Mercury could maybe get in on whatever racket it is you're running. Taurus: The stars predict a disastrous but easily-avoidable mistake in your future. They won't tell you what it is unless you give them 20 bucks. Gemini: Mix it up and try something new this week—blinking, for example. Cancer: That isn't a cat. Leo: All the celestial signs assure us Pisces totally isn't out to get you this week—chill. Virgo: There are no Virgos this week. Sorry for any inconvenience. Libra: For reasons the stars aren't at liberty to discuss right now, they advise you to practice writing and eating with your non-dominant hand this week. Scorpio: The Sun is approaching Scorpio this week. You're starting to sweat. You're starting to sweat SO MUCH. It's too late to take cover. What's left of you sizzles like an egg on the pavement. Sagittarius: Somehow, your reflection in the bathroom mirror is a Taurus, while your reflection in your bedroom mirror is a Cancer. Best not to dwell on this. Capricorn: Your power words this week are "mitochondria" and "spicy." For best results, use them both in the same sentence as often as possible. Aquarius: Could you possibly give the stars a ride to the airport on Saturday? Like, no pressure. Only if you're free, they mean. Actually, you know what, forget they asked, it's fine, they'll figure it out. Pisces: You're definitely out to get Leo this week. images © xenia_ok/Shutterstock.com; painterr//Shutterstock.com